Pieces - Andrew Belle

Dear Seth,

Right now just weepy and bleh. I even miss the single solitary hi you gave me. Anyways I don't think that I've posted this song that reminds me of you, yet.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

Today I'm sad. Kim got the most amazing tattoo for me. It almost broke me. I think that she knows but..... idk. Later when I go in chat I would hope that you would be there too. It would give me some comfort. Please.

I hope that you're having a great day. And that you're smiling. You deserve so much and I don't know if I can give it to you but I'll damn well try my best.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

One more thing and then I'll let you go. I know I've probably wrote this down a few times but I'm sure you don't mind me saying it again. I am so grateful that you are in my life. Though we have never seen each other and have only spoken over chat you still seep into my soul where others have not. These are the times that I feel so blessed. Thank you Seth.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

There are so many things that I would like to say to you personally but sadly the only place that I can write freely to you is here. And hoping that you might actually read it.

Thankfully over the past week I have been feeling a lot better. I didn't step past the front door for a whole week. And I think that it did myself a little good too. Oh and eating a lot more as well. Lord knows that I'm a healthy girl who loves her food and not being able to eat because of throwing up or getting nauseous all the time just really fucking sucked.

But sadly I have a little bit of bad news. As I was toweling off from a nice steaming shower I found another lump under my arm. This is starting to wear and break me. I don't know how much more I can take. I'm trying to smile, believe me I am, but honestly I'm so terrified right now.

You are a big big part of me smiling and laughing now days. I can't thank you enough for that. That is what is getting me through this.

Oh and I can't believe that no one said hi to you in chat. I was the only one. But it made me so freaking happy that you said hello to me. It makes me feel a little less invisible, that you actually have me on your mind if only for one second.

In a few months I'll be heading down to Las Vegas for Kim's wedding to Rex. I know that she was thinking of inviting you. If so I would love to see you there. After all you are the one that created the site that helped them come together. Please come.

Well I hope that you are okay and doing well. I always worry about you. And you know if there is anything that I can do for you I'll do it without expecting anything in return. That is how I am. Truly.

Goodnight and sweet dreams.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

Goodnight and sweet dreams. And thank you for coming into chat. It meant a lot to me. Much more than you'll ever know. I didn't feel so alone, even though I didn't have the nerve to talk to you.

p.s. I love you

p.p.s. And because of that little gesture I do feel a little better. Thank you.

Dear Seth,

Tonight is like most, I need you badly. I don't feel good at all. Please contact Kim and ask for my number. I need to seriously hear from you.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

It again has been a few days since I have written to you here. I'm trying to act like I'm okay but I'm not. I'm really sick. I have had a full days meal in the past week. Every time I do I usually get violently ill so I end up not eating at all. Later today I am going to push until I have a doctors appointment in the same day. I can't live like this anymore. I'm about to give up and I don't want to. My quality of life is nothing. NOTHING. Yesterday I wore a pair of pants that, unbeknownst to me, were too big and kept falling off as I walked. It was embarrassing. It's like this with all of my clothing now. You are one of the only things keeping me here and wanting to fight. Please talk to Kim she'll tell you what's going on. Give me something more to go on because I honestly am losing this battle. I need you so badly. If only to hear your voice for one second.... Please Seth I beg you.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

I'm sorry that I haven't written to you in a while. It's just hard after being back in Idaho and wishing that I was in California. It sucks.

Well today, in two hours, I go in for a HIDA scan to see if any organs are failing. I wish you were there. But at least one wish has come true. You're talking to me again, and like a human being too. It feels really good to know that I'm not invisible. That you've thanked me two times in one day is beyond amazing. What have they done with the old you? It's strange but I love it. Please lets keep this going. I feel so alone and you just talking to me makes it that much bearable. I feel happier.

I hope that you're having a great day. Keep up the good work that you're doing. Sometimes I seem a little impatient and bug you all the time about certain issues. My bad. Don't forget to smile either Seth.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

You're in chat right now. I'm sorry I couldn't say hi. This just sucks like freaking hell. Anyways you know where the dog park is right across from the baseball fields near the bay where you can watch planes come and go? Well walk down the path to the bridge. There is something waiting for you, if you have the guts enough to go.

Right underneath the words I had so bravely tagged on the bridge so many months ago I am going to leave a handwritten letter. Wishful thinking that you will read it. But more than likely you won't. Odds like that have never been in my favor.

So whomever does get to read the words I have so hauntingly etched into my heart and brain will be lucky. They will know that someone out there loves another human being so much, risking even ounce of pride they have left for this minute act of courage and that love is not dead.

Maybe what I wrote for my someone special will give that person enough strength to tell the one they think of that they love them. Here is to hoping I do some good in the world. And maybe then good karma will come back to me in spades one day. 

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

I'm here in Downtown Burlingame at the Starbucks. I love it here. It's peaceful and at times full of little old men. Makes me think of what you'll look like when you're older. Damn cute I'd say.  Anyways I'm here. I hope that you're having a great day, even though it's a little windy outside.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

Going to head into downtown Burlingame now. Would love to see you there :) I hope that you're having a great day.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

Today was awesome. Walking the Haight and then ending up at Hippie Hill reading Fault of Our Stars. It gave me a little bit of peace. Almost able to reach the clouds. Being around Hippie Hill in Golden Gate Park.

 But there are things that I just need to get off my chest right now

I'm sorry but I'm not doing to well. I'm so fucking tired of relying on a pill to eat. I haven't been able to eat much otherwise. And damn it I'm fucking miserable. I feel that I'm slowly slipping away. And God damn it I don't know how much more I'm going to be able to take. Stop being so damn pig headed and just talk to me Hayward.

I have a feeling that this will be the last time I'll be able to make this trip. Three fucking days to meet the man I have damn well dreamed of and has haunted my dreams for almost two years. I am grasping at straws now. Please.  You know where I am, man up and get the fucking courage to get over your fears. I know that I had to just to send you that first letter.

p.s. I love you

p.s.s. to all that actually read this blog, tell the one that you love that you love them. Don't wait. For too long I waited and now I'm like this.

Dear Seth,

Well I'm off to the city and to Delores Park on this beautiful day. I think that after a while I'll go down to the Haight and just veg around. Will be thinking of you. Hope you're having a great day.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

Hey dude sorry I haven't written to you today. I've just been so worn out from walking yesterday. It was good though. My soul needed it. I hope you're doing well and that you're okay. I worry so much about you.

Just to let you know I'll be in Delores Park tomorrow vegging out. I would so love to see you. I don't have much time here and ugh I know it's going to be bad when I do leave. Really it's a silent plea. If you can't make it there my room number is 115 at Red Roof. Please.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

I ended up having one of the best days ever but my feet are so damn sore right now. And I have a feeling I'm about to crash. Whenever I wake up, and I pray to God it's past 6 freaking 30 in the morning, I think that I'll just hang at the Starbucks in Burlingame. I love the city and all but dude I walked for like ever. From Union Square to all over Chinatown to Nob Hill ( up Sacramento Street I might add ) to the Civic Center BART. And then from Parnassus ( UCSF because of Kim almost breaking her ankle) down Haight to again Civic Center BART. I loved every moment of the walk but sadly my feet are protesting loudly.

I hope that you had a great day. Me as I was walking I decided I wasn't red enough so I ended up sunburnt!!!.

Goodnight and sweet dreams Seth.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

I know it's too much to ask you so I'll just tell you my plans for the day. Going to go and eat something and then get on BART to Chinatown. Would love to see you even though I know it's too much for you.

I hope that you're having a great day. It's so nice out right now.

p.s. I love you