Dear Seth,

So there is this park that I found in the middle of The Gateway that I just fell in love with. I'd love to see you there sometime. And here is the ever awesome description.

I just got back from what could only be considered a dream that was actually a reality.
I found this hill in the middle of the bustling city. I sat on top of it in a field full of miniature daisies. The sun warming my skin to the point of wanting to close my sleep heavy eyes.

I watched life go on all around me. A cute old Asian man performing his tai chi. A couple sitting by the fountain eating noodles and knees almost touching the others. A little Benji dog chasing pigeons around and around and around. I think that both enjoyed it. I could not stop laughing. And then there was a rusted out looking heart sculpture off to my left with no one sitting around it, looking lonely.

Maybe the reason why I love you tonight, the most, is because you give me so much peace. You are like the constant anchor in my crazy world, the one thing that I know for sure will always be there. You are my red
 string in life.

And when I am here at this park I feel you here. I feel happier. I feel like I am home. And to be honest, I do not feel so sick. So I plan to come back here every day because I crave feeling like this.


p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

Tonight  I think that I really need you. Fuck.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

Sorry for such a short letter but I'm like hella tired right now. I've been up like 36 hours. It sucks. But there is a king sized bed waiting for me, with 4 pillows!!!

So I know that it might not be possible but I'd love to see you tomorrow. I'll be at The Gateway writing that perfect letter that Will wrote to Emma in the movie Waiting for Forever. Rain or shine I'll be there. It might be one of my last chances to do something like this. I'd beg for you to be there but I can't do that anymore.

I'm really loving the rain. I've missed it. It has such a calming effect too.

I hope that you're having a good night and that all is well with you.

Goodnight and sweet dreams.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

For 5 whole seconds I held your attention. Though it left me shaking (I still am), it was worth the email that might leave me sick tonight.

So tomorrow my journey starts. I'll be slowly snaking my towards California, in hopes that the doctors there will be able to help me. Because if what the doctor here said what I have is true, then time is of the utmost importance. And without that help I'm a ticking time bomb and I will die without help. I don't want to die, I want to live. But living like this is no life at all.

If there was ever a chance, I do need to see you. God, so badly too. But I just don't know if my body, literally, could handle it. And that's what really sucks. Pure fucking misery. Maybe in the pouring rain that's predicted for Wednesday?

Anyways I hope that you're having a great day. Now it's time for me to get packing to leave.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

Well it's been one hell of a hard ass day for me. I'm so beyond exhausted right now from all the crying I have done. *sniffs*  The doctors finally diagnosed me. It isn't good if it's not treated in time. They said something about having pheochromocytomy. And what that means is I have a tumor on at least my kidney if not other places. And that there is too much adrenaline coursing through me. It is affecting my blood pressure among other things.

So on Tuesday I leave for San Francisco to get more testing and treatment done. God how I would love to see you. But what fucking tears me up the most is that seeing you just might literally kill me. So all I have or might ever have is writing you letters that will come to pass, for now. But to be honest I really do need to see you. I have to know....

So I have a plan and I hope it all works out.

I hope that you had a great day. The sunset tonight there looked beautiful. I can't wait to be there to see it too.

Goodnight and sweet dreams.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

Maybe I'm digging myself a bigger hole. And right now I don't honestly care, by posting this. I'm sure you'll be curious enough to see this by going on my public profile.

I miss talking to you. Yeah I know you have a thing, or whatever it is. 

I honestly think that after 2 fucking years of loving you...... shit I'm sorry. My mind is like all over the place. All I ever wanted from you is some kind of acceptance. Maybe even something like you really get what I'm going through. LOL I really have to laugh because before you it was never like this at all.

Well I'll let you get some sleep or peace right now. I hope that  you have a really good night.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

Happy Valentine's Day! I really hope that you had a great one. I think that mine was a lot better than last years. Dealing with Marc's death was a real blow to me. And even more so that his service was the day before Valentine's Day.

But you somehow just give me a little spark of hope that something better out there is waiting for me. And that love just isn't meant to be celebrated on one day in particular but 365 days a year, or 366 on a leap year :P. Love is meant to be in your heart and how you express it, not what tangible items you give to a person.

While flowers are nice, chocolate a little better they both soon disappear. But the everyday things you do tend to stay with a person for life. A hug, a smile, hand holding, talking for hours on end, a hug or just being there for them. That, to me, is what I love the most and how I like to express my feeling to the ones I love. Those are things that memories are made of.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

You're just evil. Not in the bad way but...  So I go out with Kim tonight to celebrate. And all that I see is your freaking face. What the hell dude?  Oh the damn frustration.

Well I hope that you had a great night and that you have sweet dreams. I can't wait for the project that we are working on. So excited.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

I know it would be like asking a left nut to scratch the right one, but I wish that you were down at China Blue tonight. That is all.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

Well I think that I can die of total embarrassment now. I checked my public page for Google+ and it seems that everyone can see what I post. I thought that it was a separate thing. Oh well.

So though maybe you didn't mean for it to come out today, that thing you posted, it seriously made my day. I'm so happy and crying at the same time. Thank you soooo much.

I hope that your day is going well and that all is peachy with you. Loving the rain, eh? ;)  Don't forget to smile today.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

All I really can say tonight is thank you.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

And here I thought that I was sort of doing better. Hell I should have known. I'm so tired, it's almost 3:30 in the morning and I'm throwing up. Everything inside of me aches. My eyes, my chest (from the convulsions), my stomach, my arms, my head feels like it's swimming.

I'm so scared to go to sleep. I want to wake up in the morning. I want just one more chance to see you, to hear your voice, to fully explain myself. Fuck this. It's honestly almost too much for me to handle. But I keep going, in part, because of you.

That's all I have for now. Sorry.

p.s. I love you

I for You- The All American Rejects

Dear Seth,

Stupid me drank a soda and now I can't sleep :/ And I'm listening to another of my favorite songs, I for You by The All American Rejects. These lyrics are some of what I have always wanted to say to you, some I already have.

Say the words I cannot say
Say them on another day
Fragile words like these will cut your tongue
Was I good enough?
Was I bad enough?
When I wanted more, yeah, you had enough

But nobody's gonna try for you
Nobody's gonna do like I for you

And every slow-lit cigarette that nervous hands can barely get the courage
I could always feel your eyes
And those dresses you made look like gowns
You're a sinner but the devil even turned you down

'Cause nobody's gonna try for you
Nobody's gonna do like I for you
And nobody's gonna try for you
And nobody's gonna lie for you
And nobody's gonna do like I for you

Hold me like you never could
I'll hold you like I said I would
Air or light won't breathe nor shine between
With your feather lips, yeah you fly away
Well I hope they come back down someday

'Cause nobody's gonna try for you
Nobody's gonna do like I for you
Somebody's getting by for you
I don't bend, I just break in two
Somebody like me I'd die for you

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

Today has been a little better. I'm happy that you have been responding to my comments and concerns so rapidly. It really does mean a lot.

And there was one piece of a comment that you made, which I won't say here, that had me in happy tears. For the longest time I have been waiting to hear that. Maybe that is all I needed to see from you, Seth. I sincerely thank you for it as well.

I hope that you had a great day, compared to mine. Sadly watching the Broncos lose the Superbowl so badly, hurt. Oh well. But you would have had a great laugh watching how I interacted with the t.v. at the cafe amongst the boys, well all two of them :P

Goodnight and sweet dreams.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

I'm always going to Cafe Capri for this reason. Never have I liked a video and the words (but in a somewhat different situation) so much before in my life. It's happened before and I know it will happen again. I just wish it was with you.

I hope that you're having a great day and that all is well. Can't wait for the next few weeks when I'll be in California too.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

I know that you don't do clubs or whatever, but I wish that you were at China Blue here in Boise tonight. I know that you won't be but I'll somehow still be looking for you in the crowd.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

I'm sorry that it's been so long since I have written to you here. Your site keeps me busy.... that and my mom. Thankfully she is doing so much better. It feels more normal now. Granted there are still things that are keeping her from being herself but I think that I, along with others, have done a damn amazing job in aiding her progression.

I can't believe it's February already! There is so much that I want and need to accomplish this month. I pray that I am able to do it all. Well what I have planned. ;)

So anyways last night was a bad night for me. Actually one of the worst I have ever had, enough to call an ambulance. And to be honest I am scared of what is going on with me. All I want to really know is why?

I have tried for so long. A part of me just wants to give up, at times. But then the image I have of you pops up in my mind and I can't. Also the words of comfort you have given me are beyond compare. It drives me to want to keep going on. In part, you are my savior.

p.s. I love you