Dear Seth,

I am listening to Explosions In The Sky's The Birth and Death of a Day as I write this, making me feel a little more sentimental about everything. I love your taste in music dude.

Tonight was almost beautiful. People swaying back and forth to their own beat, lights flashing, some music that you would like playing in the background. The place was crowded with regulars. But honestly everywhere I turned I searched for your face. I needed and wanted you there. Honestly I was fucking miserable.

I know that I said that I am happy that you are somewhere on earth, but that does not make me yearn for you to be where I am, or vise versa,  any less.

There is a line that A Fine Frenzy sings about only wanting to be only where you are, and tonight I have to agree with her. I feel it so deep inside that it pretty much makes me feel weird otherwise.

I have learned, that over time, where you call home is not always where you reside. And damn it my gut tells me that you are my home.

And how I feel right now is I am okay, but earlier I just didn't know. I'm so damned scared. Yeah I know that I'm getting older and whatever but fucking a man this just doesn't feel right. I know it's definitely not  a panic attack, because if so it has an odd way of presenting itself. It doesn't add up.

Anyways I have thought about a lot of things. When the inevitable happens I know that I will not be able to stay here any longer. Thinking long and hard about this and what I need and want to do with my life, I plan to move very very far away.

You have made me love a state like no other. South Carolina is as about as far away from everything as you can get. That is where I want to be. That is where I know, without a doubt, that I would be able to build a life for myself, though I would love to have you in it more than it is now. This is where, in a way, that I have always dreamed about being. It was where I was so happy. Idaho is my past and South Carolina is my future. I still think of you waiting for me at Boone Plantation, in the gardens. Here's to hoping that it comes true.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

For the first time in a while I am going to go out and totally enjoy myself at China Blue and Humpin Hannah's with Kim, and maybe my other bestie Angie. I wish you were there too. Actually more than anyone I wish it was just you and I.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

Today I don't know why but my heart is pounding so hard. Maybe it's because I keep expecting to see you around every corner. I never give up hope, I can't.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

I need you here so badly. Something is really wrong with my mom and I don't know how long she's going to be able to hold on. :'(

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

This is my new favorite song. It makes me happy and smile. Thank you.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

I just wish you were here.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

God that name, your name, gives me shivers. My breath hitches, my heart speeds up the adrenaline in me just gets me all flustered.  It also gives me that crooked smiles, that goofy feeling. I want to laugh. Everything about you just makes me feel  just, omg.

And this is this one thing that gives me something to look forward too. Just even a mention of me.

p.s. I love you 

Dear Seth,

Thank you for being so kind to me, especially lately. It has been really rough. My emotions are all over the place, but you being there in some small way, helps a lot more than you think. I feel like I am not in this alone.

Last night was really rough for me. I cried so hard, and there is some residual sadness this morning. There was someone that sent me a hate letter. I did nothing to deserve this at all. What happened between the parties involved happened for a reason. And to be blamed for something that needed to happen just isn't right or fair to us. They just need to grow the fuck up.

No I am not jumping to conclusions. I think that I know who it was that did this. I wish that you would not have unbanned them. They will always continue to bully others, that is their nature. Just because they have issues doesn't mean that they have to find the need to bring others down with them.

Well now I have to go and help paint my besties deck. ugh I'm so sore after sanding the fucker yesterday. I used muscles that I never knew I had. And I'm paying for it this morning. But the show must go on. And it's cathartic too, letting all these frustrations out.

I hope that you are having a great day. I just wish you were here instead of there.

p.s. I love you

ZZ Ward Last Love Song

Dear Seth,

You'll never know how much that comment means to me that you made today. I'm tearing up and having a hard time controlling my emotions. My mother is my life, right now. And for you to say that what is going on with my mom affected your grandfather it just made it hit home that much more. 

Shit there goes a tear forming in my left eye and about to run down my cheek.

When she passes I will have no family here. I have thought about going back to Missouri but I just don't really know right now. There is too much going on here. I mean I'd move back to San Francisco but I wouldn't do it without you there. Sure I have friends that I have known forever but it isn't the same.

Anyways I'm listening to this amazing song by ZZ Ward right now called Last Love Song. It's so amazing, sort of like Adele singing Someone Like You.

Thank you for taking the time to write to me today.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

I know that it's hope against hope, you have your own life, but I would love to see you today even though you're over 500 miles away. I'll be at Life Care of Valley View here in Boise. Bleh what am I even saying? Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Well I hope that you're having a great day and that all is well. I miss talking to you.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

This is all I have to say to you today.

http://letterstocrushes.com/letter/562796

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

It is nights like these I wonder how many people have been inspired and their lives affected, for the good, because I feel so happy just thinking of you?

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

To sum it all up you're like a favorite novel I can't put down. The bindings and cover frayed from hands handling you so much, but what is underneath is worth reading and knowing. Some parts a little blotched from crying, pages a bit worn from gently caressing favored passages, others dog eared because I want to read later.

Though sometimes I put you off until late into the night I am always happy and excited to explore another chapter into what seems to be a never ending story. And today I seem to be reading you a little earlier than normal. That's okay because it makes me happy, bringing a smile to my face.

p.s. I love you