Dear Seth,

Again it has been a while since I have written to you here. No have not, nor will I able, to ever forget you. For that I am sorry.

It's almost 3 a.m. here and so much going on inside of me. But the one thing that has been tacking my brain is that I am so fucking jealous of the place where you are now. And it hurts that I am not there too. Not just because of you. I have been thinking of being in South Carolina for the longest time.  That is where my heart calls, as silly as it may seem.

Not much has changed since the last time I have written to you here. I went to my mammogram and it came out negative, thankfully. But the lump and pain is still there. And over the past few days I am throwing up more blood. To be honest I am scared as fuck. What goes through my head is what the hell do I have then?

But honestly thinking about you has kept me from being totally afraid. Some nights I stay up because it's easier than trying to sleep not knowing if I will open my eyes in the morning.  You are the in between. You make it easier to accept what is going on through all this confusion.

I hope that you are doing semi okay, though you said you were not totally yourself. Though I am not in the best place right now I would do anything to help you with whatever.

Well I'll let you go for now. And please don't ever forget to smile Seth.

p.s. I love you