Dear Seth,

Just to let you know that you've made me love things that I never thought possible. Thank you.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

It's raining here and naturally I had to go out in it. I'm drenched and have never felt more me in my life. All I know for sure is that I sang my heart out, I don't know if your name was involved somehow. But I don't care. If I did I did. It felt right. Mt. Pleasant and I need you so badly. Please come back.

p.s. I love you.

Dear Seth,

I don't do this very often, though people say I do, but I'm a little inebriated, but I know what I want and how I who I need. You. But anyways right now I'm scared. I'll never tell Kim or anyone else. I'm throwing up a lot of blood. I'm scared but..... Oh hell I just am. I don't do this normally at all drunk as I am. That I can promise. I know that if I go to the hospital they are just going to say that it's because I'm throwing up. It's bull crap. 

All I have ever wanted you to know from these letters that I write to you is that you are loved sooo much. Maybe if you read these in time... oh hell who am I kidding. But it's a wish none the less. When you do just know that I, aw fuck, God damn it I just can't. I'm sorry. 

Anyways I love you more than you'll ever know Seth. 

p.s I love you

Dear Seth,

Sometimes, like now, I just want to hate you so much but I can't. It seems like everything that I see, touch or breath in is infused with the memory of you. God damn it. My mind won't forget you. Fuck I know that I'm so screwed. And a part of me says to hell with it but another say that nothing will ever happen. That's what hurts the most. Damn it Hayward I do love you. I thought that maybe it would be this town that I loved the most but it's not. It doesn't feel right without you here. I still love it but it's just really weird. And tonight/ day I'm questioning why I ever decided to write more than I expected on letters to crushes. It all feels so fucked up when you fall for the one you least expect to. God how I wish you were here in Mt. Pleasant for the 4th. I want and need you here so badly it's starting to become evidently painful. Maybe one day you'll come. I just don't know.

Well I hope that you're having a great day and that you're smiling and that the sun is shining. You deserve it.

p.s I love you

Dear Seth,

I'm here in Mt. Pleasant. And so happy. Wish you were here. Going to see duellers alley. And again wish you were at the other end waiting for me.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

Well these are my last moments in the Washington DC area. I have loved it here, though it's been way hot. There is just too much to see in just a week. Maybe someday I'll be able to come back.

Now it's on to where my heart has always belonged, Charleston. This time tomorrow I'll be in Columbia waiting for 5 hours when Charleston is only 3 hours away. But it's worth it. God it feels like I'm truly going back home. I can't wait to see all the things that I've missed for the past 6 months. The pull is so great that if I could I'd fly there right now, no lie.

I'll be staying in the same hotel in Mt. Pleasant. The one by the lake where there are swings and I can listen to crickets and cicadas at night while watching the stars. Or I can go into the city and be at the pier looking at huge cargo ships passing by. I seriously cannot wait to be there.

I hope that you're having a great day and that things go smooth for you. Please don't forget to smile, it makes me feel so much better knowing that you are.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

Tonight here in lonely old Linthicum, Maryland I was standing outside looking at the fireflies and missing you. This place is so beautiful and rich with history. I wish that you were here to see what I see. Then maybe something magical would happen. Hell I don't know.

In' a few days I'll be heading to the Boston area. I mean while I'm here I just have to go. I didn't come here for nothing. But tonight I'm experiencing the harsh realities of life, a life without you. To be honest it fucking sucks. Damn why can't things be different? It sucks not being able to share this amazing experience with you face to face. Maybe someday.

Anyways I hope that you're having a great evening. I miss California so much but I need to go out and experience life I can't wait for it to be handed to me.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

Well I'm here in Washington D.C. Oh it's so beautiful. There is so much that I would love to see that I'm not going to get the chance too. But I'm going to damn well try.

So happy that I got a lot of sleep following a horrid trip here, well not all bad until I hit Pittsburg, but still. Now I'm off in search of food and off to DC ( I'm staying in Lithincum Heights, MD ) . Will write more to you later. I hope that you're doing well and that everything is okay with you.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

Why is everywhere I go filled with images of you? Hell I have never even met you properly yet. Some day soon I hope to do just that.

Today was pretty cool. I saw it all. Rain, lightning, hail the size of dimes. It was beautiful. I ended up stuck for a while at a chinese buffet watching this all happen here in Joplin. I got to the Waffle House and sang to the juke box. The only thing missing was you.

I make experiences happen, never planning a moment. That's when you know that they become memorable.

Well I'm off for tonight. I hope you had a great day. Don't forget to smile. Sweet dreams.

p.s. I love you

Falling Into You - Mae

Dear Seth,

Maybe falling into love with you wasn't the smartest thing to do but I just couldn't help it. You are just you and has been the easiest yet hardest emotion when coming to you. Though you maybe haven't been where I have I fall more into you than ever. I guess that's the beauty of love and life. Please know that I have never  thought of you less than amazing. Thank you for putting a smile on my face when I felt like crying. Thank you for making my heart feel better when I just didn't care. Thank you for just being you. If I had just one chance I would tell you all of  this, pride be damned.

p.s. I love you

p.s.s. And writing this letter I'm listening to Falling Into You by Mae. So beautiful.

Dear Seth,

Fuck, fuck, fuck....... I am drunk and speaking my mind tonight. I am here and alone and fuck this shit. I love you Seth Hayward. There I said it. Happy now?

Yeah I'm here in Joplin, Mo while you're in North Cali.. where I want and need to be. This fucking blows right now.

p.s. I love you

Love Sonnet XVII by Pablo Neruda

Dear Seth,

I don’t love you as if you were a rose of salt, topaz,   

or arrow of carnations that propagate fire:   

I love you as one loves certain obscure things,   

secretly, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that doesn’t bloom but carries   

the light of those flowers, hidden, within itself,   

and thanks to your love the tight aroma that arose   

from the earth lives dimly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where,   

I love you directly without problems or pride:

I love you like this because I don’t know any other way to love,

except in this form in which I am not nor are you,   

so close that your hand upon my chest is mine,   

so close that your eyes close with my dreams.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

You'll always be my 11:11 wish, or the first star I see in the night sky. My dreams some how are always about you in some way. Tears, smiles and laughter as well. Or the ever epic loneliness of wanting you near. To for once hear your voice. Tonight I sleep alone but think of you by my side.

See the reason why I'm traveling like I am is because I want to see everything before I might not get the chance. I want to experience life beyond my walls. See I'm so terrified that I won't be able to in the future. Maybe what I do on ltc will have a lasting impact. That's the kind of legacy I want to leave, if nothing else. Being on chat or writing a letter either to you or just about something in general gives me comfort. Only being able to love you is greater. And right now I am doing that.

Someone, tonight, talked to me about letting go.  I can't. There is just something there that won't let me let you go. I'm so sorry if that doesn't fit well with you. There are times that I just want to be free of this hold you somehow have on me. But then I think honestly what is life without you in mine, no matter how insignificant? You have kept me going when I have just wanted to give in and scream. Thank you.

And now truly, good night and sweet dreams. May tomorrow be better than today. Don't forget to smile either.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

I don't know why but music is the way to my heart. And this song speaks volumes.

Good night and sweet dreams.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

I'm sorry that I haven't been writing to you lately. Anyways I'm here in Joplin. I didn't think that it would be this big and spread out, but it is. I sort of like it here. There is a mix of everyone and it reminds me a little of Charleston and San Francisco, minus the ocean. The sunsets here are amazing. Maybe tomorrow I'll be able to see a sunrise. There is so much here to see, if you can walk it. I mean I don't drive so I either walk or take a cab. I haven't yet conquered the cute little bus system that they have set up here yet. Tomorrow........

Anyways I hope that you're having a great day. God I wish I was there in Cali. I miss it soooo much.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

Well I'm off to Joplin to find my moms love today. I wish to see you there but I really know that's wishful thinking. I mean who am I kidding, you're you and I'm me. But I'll always dream. It's go big or go home right? Right!

Anyways I hope that you have a great day. Will right more later.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

I want you so bad right now it's not even funny. Yeah I'm a little tipsy and alone here in the hotel damn it but it's what I really do want to say to you.

Anyways I hope that you had a great day. One day soon I hope to hear your voice.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

Good night and sweet dreams. May tomorrow be better than yesterday. And don't forget to smile.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

Tonight I just can't do the thing that I do at every 11:11. But it doesn't mean that I don't love you any less. Just too tired.

But I hope you had a great day and have a good night too as well. And hopefully that person that's spamming ltc will go away. It is sort of annoying. But I do think that you had banned them once and let them back in a few months ago. I think that they were the one that talked about running someone over with a bus or something like that. Idk.

Anyways good night and sweet dreams.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

Every time I hear this song it reminds me of you so much.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

Well I'm now here in Tulsa, Oklahoma. It reminds me so much Charleston. Ugh the fucking humidity sucks donkey. But well worth the torture. My mom deserves her love too. And I'm going to do my best to give it to her.

I miss California so much. Hoping that one day I'll be able to come back, and soon too. I pray that you're doing well. I sometimes worry about you too much I think.

So I need to get some sleep now. I'll try and write more later.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

If you see this in time I'll be at the Double Tree bar on Airport Blvd. God I would love to see you there. This is probably going to be my last attempt to see you, ever. Please come. I'll be waiting. 

I hope that you had a great day Seth. It was really nice outside. Anyways got to get going.

p.s. I love you soooo much

Dear Seth,

Today is my last day here. I would love to see you so badly. Then I'm off to Missouri to try my damnedest to find my moms love. It's going to be damn near impossible but I'm up for a challenge. My mom deserves so much and this is what I can do for her.

So I'm going to try and shoot for China Town and Ocean Beach today. Should be exciting. I hope that you have a great day and had a lovely night.

p.s. I love you