Dear Seth,

Sometimes I still smile and think of you. Good things. I can't believe that I finally let you go. It doesn't hurt as much as I thought it would. That's all I can really say for now. I know that you're working hard at getting the website up again. We are all grateful for it. It's the only outlet for us. I know that I have become a better person because of it.

As for me personally I'm doing okay. I go into the doctors day after tomorrow. And to be honest I'm scared shitless. I know that there is something wrong with me but as the P.A said yesterday I am a medical mystery. So far today I'm doing great. I haven't had an episode. No dizziness, or feeling nauseaus or like I'm just blah. Tired though. But enough about that.

Write more to you later.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

I still love you with all of my heart but I have moved on and it feels good. It really does. I'll always continue to write to you from time to time just maybe not as often. He's a good guy as you can see and he makes me happy too, like you do still. Thank you for all that you have done for me Seth. I'll always remember it.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

Ya killing me smalls. I need my ltc. But maybe it's an answer to a letter of yours. Yes it's true.

p.s. I love you

Slept So Long - Jay Gordon

Love this song and just have to share it.

Dear Seth,

Maybe you'll read this maybe not. I would hope so.... at least one day. I had another horrible afternoon. My body is just rejecting food and I'm scared. Pretty soon I'll be down to nothing and the doctors still, I feel, won't do anything for me. God right now I need a miracle to get me through this. Granted you're a big part of it. You're the one that I thought of when I was getting all those tests. You're the one that when I was scared the most and when I closed my eyes brought me through it. Thank you.

Anyways thank you for the email. It means a lot to me. Much more than you might ever know.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

It's been a few days since I've written to you. It's been a cray cray week but that's a given with my life. I ended up having to go back to the hospital last night. I hadn't been able to eat properly for 2 weeks ( no real solid food ) and have been sick for almost 2 months now. They gave me an iv with more medicines being pushed  through and another bruise to go with the others. But  they still can't say what I have, but that something is there. I mean  your heart rate and blood pressure ( which are usually normal ) don't go up for nothing, right? Right.

Anyways today was better, I was able to eat solid food. I had to I've been so damn hungry it's not funny. I think in the past two weeks I've lost more than 15 lbs. That's not a good thing either. They have talked about what I might have and it scares the hell out of me. God if you read this I really need you here, fuck you being a recluse. I need you more.

Well I hope that you had a great day like myself. Take care and sweet dreams.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

Today I'm feeling like shit. Some part of me wishes that you were here and another part not. Right now I'm so scared. Even the medicine that they gave me isn't helping one bit. I haven't eaten a proper meal in days, leaving me so damn dizzy. I think that I'm just going to go home for the day. Can't hang. Sorry.

p.s. I love you

Iris- The Goo Goo Dolls

Never have I found a song with lyrics that so greatly fit how I feel about myself and about you. This is it.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

Today was a half/half day. And now the night comes and I need you here so badly. I'm feeling sick again after almost two days respite. I just pray it doesn't get bad and that I'm able to control it without having to go to the hospital.

I hope that you're having a great day though. Don't forget to smile.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

Well I'm almost back home. Thankfully there have been no incidents. I was so scared about that. It was a little rough at first but now it's all gravy.

 A pretty typical drive through Nevada, Utah and Idaho. Except in Twin Falls we got hit by a snow storm. I loved it. Watching the flakes falling from the sky and melting on my skin like I was on fire and burning hot. Snow has followed me from every state I've been to in the past couple of days. It's my favorite weather pattern. It got me to thinking of you, but granted when am I not?

Now about an hour and a half away from Boise, my home. You would like it there. It's peaceful and quiet. Not much goes on and people never bother you. It would suit you perfectly. And not to mention there is tons of snow there. Not like Maine but close.

I'll write more to you later. Take care and have a great night. Sweet dreams and rest well.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

Well I'm back from the hospital. They still don't know why I'm so sick. But the one thing that got me through it this time again was you dude. I had to have a CAT scan and when they put the dye into my iv and it was coursing through my veins, I closed my eyes and thought of you.

All the tests that they did came back negative, thankfully. But right now I'm so scared because there is still no answer. I have lost more than 11 pounds in 3 days, it's very hard for me to eat or drink anything without it wanting to come back up. And it's been like this for over a month. I just want to scream so badly. But just thinking of you makes it bearable and more easy to deal with.

Now I need to pack if I'm ever going to get out of Reno. I'll try to write when I can, hopefully before Salt Lake City.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

I'm going back to the hospital. I can't keep anything down. Not food nor water. I'm scared. The only thing that is keeping me from totally losing it is thinking of you. Maybe that's selfish but it's the only thing I have. I wish you were here to at least tell me that everything will be okay.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

I always, from the time I first talked to you, wanted to be apart of your life. Never in my wildest dreams did I think that I'd fall in love. Now with being sick and all you're all I that I can think about. All that I want in my life.

Please don't throw me away like so many others have. I don't think that I could survive it. You're woven into my soul, just like The Imagine Dragons song Demons.

I hope that you had a great day and smiled. Me I'm doing a lot better after finally eating something after 24 hours of nothing. So far in the past like two days I've lost over 11 pounds. Way scary. Granted I want to lose weight but not like this.

Now it's time for me to read more letters from your site and maybe create a few of my own. Laters.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

Maybe the doctors finally got it right this time. I'm praying so. It's taken so much out of me and I don't know how much more strength I have left. Again I had to go to the hospital this morning because now I'm throwing up coffee ground bile and blood too. They gave me a bunch of meds to take seeing if it will go away. They say it's an intestinal thing that's viral. Which really sucks because there is nothing to do other than alleviate the pain.

I told Kim about my blog and gave her the address in case something does happen to where I'm no longer able to do anything and to give it to you. I do this blog to show you that no matter what I love you so very much and how much of an impact you really do have on me.

Well I hope that you're having a great day and don't forget to smile either. I just wish there was a chance that one day that I can prove that you are deserving of me. Because I'm trying to do the same for you too. I don't know why I can't give up loving you. If it was easy it wouldn't be called love. And I have loved you for now a year in a half, since the day I found out who you were. But it wasn't because of that though. It's because you seem to care, to have a heart to listen to me and my ravings. That's what did it. And that's even before I knew what you looked like. I loved you then like I love you now and forever but way much more.

Now to get some much need sleep. Good night and sweet dreams to me.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

Well tonight was another horrible night. Had to go back to the hospital. I'm sick of being sick all the fucking time. I just want to go back to normal. Being like this is taking a lot of energy out of me. I just want to scream because all they are saying is that I'm dehydrated and I know that's a load of bullshit right there.

 Wish you were here to tell me that it's okay and everything will be fine. I miss talking to you so much.

I hope that your day went a lot better. And that at least once you smiled :)

The Light Was Already Here - Alex Preston

And this is how I feel about you Seth.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

Everywhere I go I swear I see someone that looks like you. And here in Reno is no different.

Anyways today I'm doing a lot better. I didn't really have a dizzy spell yesterday and for that I'm happy. Maybe this thing is going away? God I hope so. It's scary going through what I have.

Well I hope that you're having a great day and that the sun is shining where you are.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

If you read this know that I tried so so hard. All I wanted was a chance. I guess I'll never really know. Last night was another bad night. Throwing up blood I thought that I was done for, seriously. It was that bad.

Please know that I tried. Know that I'll always love you so damn much Seth. You are one special guy. One day hopefully you'll come to Idaho and visit. It's really beautiful there. You just might like it.

Well I'm out of here. I'll be online soon.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

Today is my last full day here in Burlingame. I was praying that I'd get to at least see you before I leave, but a part of me thinks that won't happen.

My day was pretty okay but had a few minor hiccups. Had 2 more minor attacks, though they are getting less potent it's still scary. I just wish I knew what it the fucking hell was wrong with me. My biggest fear is that I'll go to bed and not wake up. I'm scared. The one thing that has kept me together has been the thought of you. Thank you so much for that Seth.

I do hope that you had a great day, even though it started out blah here with all the drizzle and stuff. Praying that it's not like that later today because I want to go to Ocean Beach.

Well I'm going to try and get some sleep to wake up early. Good night and sweet dreams.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

Well now I know a little more of why I'm so tired and sick. I have a very high white blood count. But the doctors can't find why. I ended up having to go to the hospital again, because I was also throwing up blood. I'm so damn fucking scared right now. I need you so much. I can't go home like this. If an attack like this happened on the bus ride home it would be bad. Now that you know would you meet me? It's not a game. I'm not looking to win. I just need you. Please.

p.s. I love you