Dear Seth,

Today was a most beautiful day on so many levels. First my best friend is officially engaged. And here is the second.

There was a spot underneath a bridge here in Burlingame near the hotels that I decided to tag I love you and your name among all the other interesting things written. It was by far the gutsiest thing that I have done to date. By the time I had finished and had put the cap back on I was shaking like a leaf.

After not being back there for a few months I expected it to be painted over. 

Walking and first seeing the bridge my heart sunk seeing that those other tags painted over. And then to my surprise, looking to the right, those few brave words I put up were still there. 

Whatever their reason for not painting over it I am glad. And it makes me so happy that even though I know there are other ways to express ones opinion this one they kept for whomever decides to read that message to you. 

I hope your day was just as awesome.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

It was a very good day today. I got to see my friend Kim. And now we're going out to a karaoke bar tonight. I'd love to see you there and have you hear me sing. Yeah I'm going to finally do it. It's a place called Encore near Van Ness at 1550 California St.

I hope you had a great day as well. It was a very nice day and the sun was shining. Oh man.

Well I'm off to take a shower and get ready. Here's to crossing my fingers that you'll show up, though highly unlikely.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

Well I'm off to the city. I'd love to see you at The Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf later on. Rex and I will be there setting up shop to plan the proposal to Kim.

Funny thing and I think it has a little to do with fate or whatever. The room , 115, that I was in in May while I was here and again got the other day, well I have the same room again. Somehow it's mean to be. Would be nice if you'd stop by here too ;) Just saying.

Anyways I'll write more to you later. I hope that you're having a great day. It's really beautiful outside.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

Today I saw where Rex will propose to Kim. I cried. It's that beautiful. A part of me waited around to see if you might show. You never did. I wasn't feeling to well anyways. I tried for the longest though.

I think it comes down to just wanting to know. Feel me? And everything is screaming inside of me and begging you to just try one time and see.

Anyways I hope that you had a great day and that all was well with you. Goodnight and sweet dreams.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

Well I'm about to go to Delores Park and check out the bridge for the up coming proposal. Would be nice to see you there, though I know you won't be. Eh a girl can dream.

I hope that you're having a great day and that everything is going well for you. It looks like a great day outside. Talk to you later.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

I know you won't but I wanted to let you know that I'd love to see you tonight. Maybe at least I'll see you in my dreams at least. Never met you but miss the hell out of you just the same. I have a little over a week more here. Please let something come of this. I'm begging.

I'll be in the city scoping out Delores Park and the bridge tomorrow for Rex and Kim. I want it to at least be perfect for them. And damn it it will be. I didn't travel over a thousand miles for it not to be.

Anyways I hope you had a great night. I'm a little tired and think that I should go to bed now. Goodnight and sweet dreams.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

I'm finally here in Burlingame. And funny thing is is that I'm in the same room too as when I was here in May. It's freaking fate I tell you. It was a long drive but very well worth it.

Maybe you'll get up enough nerve to see me in person. I've waited a very long time and have come a very very long ways, just for this moment.

Well I hope that you're having a great day as seeing it's nice as hell outside.

Time for me to take a shower and go to Leean's for some good food!.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

Now the nausea has set in. Day after tomorrow I'll be in San Francisco. I miss it there so much. There is a lot that I would love to do while I'm there, especially just taking a breather and sitting people watching at The Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf. Or China Town, maybe little Italy and most definitely Ocean Beach.

 I'm still up trying to pack. Yep miss procrastinator here :). So much to do in so little time. But that's how I operate. And I get things done so it's all good.

I hope that you had a great day and that all went well. Sometimes I still worry a lot about you but there isn't a lot that I can do if you don't let me in Seth. Trust me I'm a really good person to lean on.

Goodnight and sweet dreams to you love.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

Sadly no getting to stay over in Portland :/. Damn idiotic Greyhound and their stupid schedules. So straight to the bay area for me. In three days I'll be in heaven. Cannot wait. And cannot wait to see the reaction on Kim's face either.

I hope that you had a great day and that all went well and that you didn't forget to smile at least once. That brings me some comfort.

Goodnight and sweet dreams.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

I'm mere days from pure happiness. I'd love for you to be there in Portland but I know that's really wishful thinking to want to see you when I go to see Andrew Belle jam out. I think you'd like him a little bit. He's a lot like Elliot Smith in a way.

Anyways thank you for coming into chat today. It's made me so happy you don't even know.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

I realized that I want to argue with you rather than try to love anyone else.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

In 6 (27th) short days I'll be in Portland, Oregon to hear Andrew Belle. It's been a long time coming. I'm so very excited to see him again. One of my more favorite independent singers and songwriters.

Today was a pretty good day for me. Didn't have to use a pill to quell the nausea like a few days ago. Tomorrow is what I'm scared for. I get the results back on my tests and then I'll probably go in for a biopsy. I'm scared.

What is really keeping me together is that I'll be in the bay area a few Fridays from now. That is my goal.

I hope that your day has been just as great too. I heard from other people in SF that there was a spectacular thunderstorm on Sunday night. Right now I'm so jealous of you. So not fair. Can't wait to be there.

Anyways goodnight and sweet dreams.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

In 10 days I'll be where I am supposed to be. Sick or not I am going. I need to. Anyways I hope that you had a great day and have a better one when you wake up. Goodnight and sweet dreams.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

I know I probably have said that I don't want to speak to you again, but tonight I do. Please say something. I'm scared and alone.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

I know that I want and need you more than anything in my life. But things aren't ever going to work out like they are when we are both like this. It fucking sucks.  No matter what I love you with all of my heart.

Goodnight and sweet dreams.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

JennaMarie said something in chat that fucking hit home hardcore. I don't know if you'll ever realize it either. But this is what I feel, truly.

I fell in love with the essence of a person; not their gender or looks, style or hair. I fell in love with what they like to do on a saturday night, or how they like their coffee with two creams, a milk and a package of sugar. I fell in love simply with the person themselves; rather then the things that don't seem to matter, as for example: looks. Because they don't, really. Looks change daily as we don't even notice it ourselves, but one day we could look completely different from the next. You fall in love with the things that are always with you, and that, my love, is your personality that I had fallen in love with.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

I'm sorry I don't have enough guts to open your letter. I know that you deserve that respect, God knows you have read enough of mine. But my emotions can't handle it right now. I know it's not going to be what I want to hear. I want to be in a place that I'm strong enough to hear it and I'm not in that place right now. I thought that tonight I would be able to.

See what brought this up is my phone was being a little bitch in being slow and stuff. I go to the store and get it fixed. I  then see that I have a ton of messages, and one more recently from you yesterday. I read the first line and smiled, I mean without opening the email. So the smart person that I am, not, decided hey if I get a little drunk whatever you said to me won't matter. Well that turned out to be the biggest fattest lie. I am drunk, and I mean drunk and still scared as shit. I can't. So I'll leave you alone.

Look I am going through a fucking lot right now. I'm scared. I have no one to turn to except for this blog and maybe an errant letter on letters to crushes to let my feelings out. It's my escape. Please just let me have this. I love you but I'll bury my feelings because I'm sure that's not what you want. I'm so sorry for everything. My heart is just messed up. But know that you were never an option or a choice to fall for. Fuck now I'm crying. How typical.

Anyways I wanted to let you know that I'll be in the bay area ( around the 2nd of September), in your town matter of fact ( because I like the hotel and the people there ), for reasons unrelated to you I promise. I'll think of you but won't try to contact you, even though I want to. So if you see me, crawling out of whatever hole you're in, when I walk down the street of your quaint town, just don't dude. It will hurt worse than when I talked relative of yours ( your father ), and realized at the last moment when I was at SFO BART who he was.  He was very nice and sweet by the way. God I saw who you'd look like in 30 years. It blew me away. One day ask him about the lady he talked to with the blue Piggly Wiggly shirt.

Well I'll let you go for now.

p.s. I love you

Fix You

Dear Seth,

You have given me so much, though I seem to take advantage of it. The love of helping people is number 1 followed closely by traveling the United States and just seeing the sheer beauty of everything and everyone. And I am about to embark on an amazing trip again. This will probably be my last one. But as for now I am super excited. Maybe just maybe this time you'll see........

So anyways I have another amazing song to share. I love it so much.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

When ever I lay my head down tonight, and I hope that's soon :), I am going to be at peace. I'm going to finally follow my heart. And I couldn't be happier.

I hope that you had a great day and that all is well. I love the new feature that you put up for ltc. Amazing.

Anyways talk to you later.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

This is truly how I feel. I just wish that you'd see it.

When you fall in love, it is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake, and then it subsides. And when it subsides, you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots are to becomes so entwined that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the desire to mate every second of the day. It is not lying awake at night imagining that he is kissing every part of your body. No... don't blush. I am telling you some truths. For that is just being in love; which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over, when being in love has burned away. Doesn't sound very exciting, does it? But it is! -Captain Corelli's Mandolin

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

Tonight before I close my eyes and then wake up to my destiny tomorrow I am listening to one of the most haunting songs ever sung. It's relieving some of the fear of what's to come. Wish you were here but I know I know.

And this song Bon Iver sings it so beautifully.

Goodnight and sweet dreams.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

Who would have thought that one of the most, um, weirdest songs (to me at least) would almost be the most comforting. Whenever I find myself feeling really sick I just listen to Shiloh, and it makes me feel just a little bit better. Thank you. FYI at that moment it is on repeat. :)

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

I know what they are testing me for now. I thought that it would be breast cancer. It's sadly not. The doctor began asking me all of these questions that I thought were honestly about pre menopause. I won't go into detail here though :).

So I did a little investigating and right now I'm a little scared. I haven't even told Kim about it. She just knows that they are testing for breast cancer. I don't have the strength to tell her. She's my best friend and I just can't. It would devastate her to pieces.

Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma. I'm nauseous just looking at those words. But I am not going to let this be a sentence I am going to live like I never had before. There is just too much in the world that I have yet to accomplish.

Please Seth if you have any heart just let me know that I'm not alone. Any word or words or comfort would be greatly appreciated. I hate feeling like this.

I hope that you had a great day. And that you smiled at least once. Now you're probably asleep and dreaming. How I would love to be a part of those dreams. Goodnight.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

I don't think that I tell you this enough but I will now, thank you so much. You're odd but I like you just the same. That's all.

p.s. I love you

An exert from the book Unravel Me

Dear Seth.

I hope that your day was good. That you felt the warmth of the sun on your face. That you smiled.

Well I found this beautiful passage from a book that describes exactly what I would love to say to you some day.

I want to be the friend you fall hopelessly in love with. The one you take into your arms and into your bed and into the private world you keep trapped in your head. I want to be that kind of friend. The one who will memorize the things you say as well as the shape of your lips when you say them. I want to know every curve, every freckle, every shiver of your body. 

I want to know where to touch you, I want to know how to touch you. I want to know how to convince you to design a smile just for me. Yes, I do want to be your friend. I want to be your best friend in the entire world. 

Goodnight and sweet dreams.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

Last night I went out and tried to have fun. But things were just to heavily on my mind. I shouldn't have taken a measly hour nap I'm now wide awake at 6 am. And I'm now sick as a dog as well. This is bullshit. When is the relief ever going to come? It's been 4 1/2 months since this started. I'm just so tired of it.

I see that you were up too. Are you doing okay? What's going on with you? Sometimes I worry, but know that there isn't much that I can do other than help with your site. I wish there was more that I could do for you, I do.

Now you're probably sleeping. I hope that they are happy dreams for you, that you smile.

Well I'll let you go for now.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

I'm going out tonight with Kim to try and have a little fun. Needed so badly with the things going on in my life. Wish you'd be at China Blue, though I know you won't be. Sadly I'll still be looking at every face and seeing you in them.

Now for a short nap before the fun begins :)

I hope that you're having a great day.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

Right now I'm not feeling much at all. Numb you could say. Well I am tired so there is that. I felt pretty good today, which is surprising. This is not something that I wanted at all.  Too much to do in life. And so much to see. I have things that I need to accomplish.

All I want to do when I close my eyes in a while is dream of you. You honestly seem to make things better. God I must be coming off like some freak. Maybe I am, maybe not.  I don't care. But you keep me alive in a sense.

I hope that you had a great day; that you smiled. Yeah I don't know what you look like. I could honestly care less. Anyways you being happy and stuff makes me happy too.

Good night and sweet dreams Seth.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

Well today I went to the doctors. And tonight lose the pride (hey I have it too). I fucking need you. Please. Just say anything. I have my friends but what I need is you. Any word of encouragement. I am not going to let this define me at all. Trust me I am stronger than that. But tonight I sort of pity myself and the only thing that would make it a fraction of a bit better is hearing from you. I'm sorry. For everything Seth. When I wrote that letter I was full of hurt. I still mean those things I said to you but maybe I should have just bit my tongue.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

I'm feeling a little better now. I have a doctors appointment later today and I'll try my best to stick it through until then. Just really tired of feeling like shit all the time you know?

Today I am so proud of myself. This is why I'm still on the website and why I love you so damn much dude. I stayed up chatting with a person for over an hour. They wanted to commit suicide. And tonight they are going to sleep instead of harming their body into non existence. Now I'm really emotional.

This is what I am born and bred to do with my life and you gave me that opportunity. By doing that you have helped save countless lives Seth. I didn't do what I did tonight because of you, to show off but I did it because I care. But because of that selfless act I have fallen more in love with you. I just hope you realize it. I'll always be here.

Well I hope you're off to dream land and have a great day tomorrow. Don't forget to smile at least once. :)

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

I know that you might not care about what I tell you, it just helps relieve the loneliness. Today I think that for sure I'm going to have to go into the hospital. I could barely make it to the cafe.  My legs are so damned weak I could barely walk. And when I got here I almost passed out, still a little shaky. Something is seriously wrong. I'm scared. To have a few words of encouragement from you would mean the world to me Seth.

Anyways I hope that you're having a good day and that all is well with you.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

Thought this all I am trying my best to have hope and keeping up the faith. And you have been a big part of it. Thank you.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

At this moment I am debating whether to go to the hospital. I'm not feeling good at all. I just feel so drained and weak. But before, if I do, I wanted to send this in hopes that you read this.

There is so much that I want to say to you tonight.

I want to thank you for getting me to smile and laugh. I want to thank you for making me so angry and hurt that I truly told you how I felt. To be honest I have never expressed how I've felt until you came into my life. 

People like yourself are so rare that maybe another gets a chance to know an amazing person like you once in a life time or even the next. I feel like the luckiest girl in the world because I have that now, in this moment.

Because of you I know who I am and want to become. I feel like I finally have some self worth and love myself, almost from the moment we met. Thank you so much.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

Alice said something in chat that hit freaking close to home, badly. She said that when I fly falls in love their brain is rewired. And that when their mate dies their mind goes blank. That was me for the longest time. But you are filling those blank spaces. And shit if it ain't confusing as fuck.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

Well it's now 4:30 in the morning and I can't sleep. Just finished watching Made In Heaven. One of the best concept movies, in my opinion, ever made. From beginning to end. And now I'm half awake and listening to U2's All I Want Is You.

I'm back to not feeling so well, yet again. I just want to feel myself again. I've been begging for it for so long  that it's becoming somewhat of a routine for me. Well for sure I'm going to try and sleep. Maybe tonight I'll dream of you. It seems when that happens  I feel better and have a great day too. I know that I smile more.

Now to close my eyes. Goodnight again.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

It's 3 am here and I am finally tired enough to sleep well. Thankfully I'm feeling a lot better now. That was pretty bad today. Just don't know how I'm going to be able to go outside later to the doctors. I'm praying that they find something. I just can't deal being like this any more. It's too much. I'm tired of being nauseous almost 24/7. Of being dizzy and feeling like I'm going to pass out. Eating is hit and miss. There are days that I can go with barely a single bite of food. All of it is just total bull crap.

Enough of me though. I hope that you had a great day and that things went well. And that you smiled at least once :) . Goodnight and sweet dreams.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

Well I didn't go to the hospital but still feeling pretty sick. This isn't fair. There are just so many frustrations. I'm beyond wiped out. And so scared. I just....... I just can't say it right now. Sorry.

 I saw the short letter you posted and am listening to the song now. The lyrics are freaking haunting. I feel you. I really do.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

Right now I'm not feeling so hot at all. God I'm scared. I think that I just better go to the hospital. I can't take this anymore. A part of me wishes you were here.

Anyways I hope that you're having a great day.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

You were in chat today for the first time since I blew up at you. You didn't say anything but I'm glad you were there. Right now I'm so scared and anything is better than nothing I guess.

Well good night and sweet dreams to you. Hope your day was great ;).

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

You're in chat right now. It's fucking killing me too. My stomach is burning with bleh. When I first saw your name I was shaking so bad. Thats all.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

I know when I'm right about two people being together. And it looks like it's going to happen again. When are you going to realize that I'm right with us too? It's frustrating the fuck out of me Hayward. I can only hope that one day it will happen. I think that's why I don't ever give up hope.

A year in a half and it's driving me nuts dude. But for you I'd wait a lifetime. All I can do is be patient.

Anyways I hope that you're doing great. That the sun is shining for you and that you're happy.

Tonight I was dangerously close to reading your letter. I'm sorry I couldn't. Please forgive me. I hope that you're having sweet dreams.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

Maybe I don't know you all that well. But I miss the fuck out of you just the same. Please come back to chat.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

This morning I was woke up by my own voice saying that I love you so much. So now I'm sleep talking about you too.

That's my thoughts for right now.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

I'm sorry I can't read your letter that you sent me at like 6:30 in the morning your time a few days ago. I know that I'd cry and be hurt beyond belief. I know that someday I'll have to face my worst demons and do that. I mean you did read my letter to yo. But please come into the chat room. They miss you, and God help me so do I. They ask me all the time about you and I have no words. All I can say is that you're busy.

Okay now I am tired beyond belief, and typing with one eye closed. It's after four am here and am no longer able to function like a normal human being.

I pray that today will be better for you than yesterday.

p.s I love you

Dear Seth,

I think that in some way I messed up with you. God I never meant for this to happen like this. I fell in love and that can never be taken back. Don't regret it one bit either. But tonight if you've read my letter you know where my heart rests. I'll always be grateful to him because he lead me to you. I love him and you too.

In three days time I have my doctors appointment. No one will be there but me. I'm scared beyond belief. There is just too much that in life that I need to do before I go. This can't be it. I fucking refuse it. I'm not trying to be fatalistic, it's the truth, or better yet this is my reality.

At times I wish I was more normal, like main stream America. But then I wouldn't be me. These letters that I write to you are who I am Seth.

Anyways I hope that you had a good day. I can see that there were issues with the server earlier today, but glad that it's figured out at least for the time being. :) In the mean time I learned a lot about HTTP status codes. Some funny as fuck (418 is my favorite) and others I pray to God never happen.

Ok I need to get some kind of sleep. Good night and sweet dreams. Glad that I could make you smile with that challenge about what letters to crushes means to people. Made my day.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

Tonight I think I need you a lot.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

Today I made you smile. And now I'm crying. Deep down I know you're there somewhere and not lost. Goal accomplished.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

I found another song that just speaks to me.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

Well now Ed Sheeran sort of knows about you now. And you know what IDGAF. That is all.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

Tonight I just miss talking to you. That's all. I hope you had a great day.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

It's near 3 am here. I had a rough few hours. Really sick and scared. I'm doing a little better but I just don't know. I'm so fucking frustrated with everything that's going on. Not a good moment for me right now. Sorry.

I bet you're having the time of your life. I've heard that it's pretty cool there. Anyways I hope that you have a good night and sweet dreams.

p.s. I love you so much