I am heartbroken but for entirely different reasons. And I don't know what to do. And I'm scared. There are things that I don't post there on ltc but I'll do it here. The other side of me. I'm the most introverted person I know. But I don't show it. I try and be happy, chipper and plaster on that smile.

There times that I just want to totally be by myself and not talk to anyone. I don't want them to see the pain that I go through or my thoughts, or how I cry for the things that I've lost. The one thing that has kept me going all these months without totally losing it is you Mr. Hayward. I try and do crazy and stupid shit maybe hoping that at least you'll smile. I picture what you'd look like and I really smile.

And what you said to me today put me in another world. I am going to fight for you. You know what I mean. God I think that I'm going to become a comedian just for you. Me and Hannah ( aka known as ha in chat ). She's my giggle buddy. You'd like her too. Best person to talk to when you're feeling down.

But hell you'll probably not see this anyways so I'm going to go all out and say this shit. Right here right now. I am and always will be in love with you. It's more than a relationship that I want. Now that I know a hell of a lot more about you, fuck you really are my OTP, my soulmate. And that's better than anything my poor life has ever had being in real true love with one of the worlds most amazing men.

So Mr. Hayward, Seth, if you do see this know that your'e not the only lonely soul out there. I have been lonely for a very long time. There have been times that I have cried myself to sleep just wanting a friend. Someone to share the secrets I can't tell anyone else, especially about ltc. And one of these days I will crack that exterior of yours. But until then I'll keep telling you every day that I love you.

p.s. I love you