Dear Seth,

Happy New Year :)

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

A lot has happened since the last time I wrote to you. I don't let on more than the mods already know, but I don't think that my mom is going to make it much longer. That stroke she had a few days ago just about took everything she had. I am so damn scared. She's the last family member I have really. And right now I just feel so lost and lonely.

Seth, I know there are things going on with you too, but if you could find it in your heart I really would like you here. God please. I need some kind of support too and...... *sniffs. She's at St. Lukes on the 7th floor. I really feel like I am about to crack. It has been a total fucking nightmare. Damn...

Well I hope you are doing well and that you at least smile a little bit. I know I do when you write to me. It's my little pick me up of the day.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

Your commenting to me more than just one line or yes or no answers. I am loving it. But there is one thing, I would love to hear your voice tonight. I know I know silly hope but still.....

Anyways I hope that you are having a good night, sorta looks like it to me :)

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

I was a little sad to wake up this morning. Last night I dreamed of you. It's the first time in two years of knowing you exist that I boldly walked up and kissed you. OMFG my heart is still racing from that dream. I don't know how I am ever going to live it down. Now there is a fire in me, and it's raging. This is going to haunt me for a long time to come.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

You'll never really know how much those words you spoke to me today really meant. I couldn't be happier. Thank you so much.

Well I have a little something for you that hopefully you'll like.

I was terrified that the little red string that connects us was going to snap. Now it seems that it is getting shorter and shorter. And I have a feeling that one day soon there will be no discernible tie because we will be together.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

I must have woke up on the right side of the bed. You are talking to me. ME.  Not short sentences but almost freaking pages. Right now I'm smiling and feeling a lot better than in previous days. Thank you.

Idk but you're a morning person and me, not so much. Eh I'll get used to it. Especially if the days are like this more.

It'll be a few weeks until I'll be in the Bay Area. Very excited about the move. No it's not because of you, though it is an incentive to be there. Can't wait to start on a new chapter in my life.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

What you commented on earlier is really irking me. But no matter what I still love you even though you are a dork.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

Just seeing your name anywhere fills me with such emotions. I told my ex how I felt about you today. He thinks it's real too, what I love about you. Oh and fyi I think he might just be a little bit jealous as well. Let me tell you that there were never these kind of feelings with him, ever.

Anyhoo might write more to you later. Hope you had a great day and smiled at least once :)


p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

I'm about to head off to Cafe Capri for my few cups of joe. I know you won't be there but I'll always hope so.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

You don't know how those few words you said could mean so much to me. I'm almost to the point of tears. Thank you.

Well I just ate and feeling bleh. I don't think it's going to stay down. Already feeling my heart race and stomach clinching, wanting to expel what I pretty much shoved down my throat. Whatever it is that I have is not fun at all. I just want this to go away.

But right now I am smiling and so happy.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

I saw this quote on Facebook and thought of you.

I don't know a perfect person. I only know flawed people who are still worth loving. ~John Green

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

Tonight I am really not feeling good at all. I'm surprised that I can even type, I'm that weak. Last night was really bad for me. I thought that I would have to go to the hospital. But every time I was nauseated or threw up I thought of you. LOL sorry. It's just that when I do that my whole body calms down. You make me feel better, even though I'm not.

I hope that you are doing well, Seth. I haven't heard from you in so long. More than that I wish you were here so I could tell you face to face how I feel.

Anyways always remember that I care for you soo much, even in my time of need.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

I really have missed talking to you. I hope that you are doing okay. Maybe I do tend to worry about those that I love the most, you included but it is valid damn it. So just say something every once in a while dude.

So Kim will be in San Francisco tomorrow. I wish that I could have gone with her, but my health is just so bleh among other things. Maybe one day you will come here. Hell there is enough snow on the ground and the air is so brutally cold that it might remind you of home.

Anyhoo take care and don't forget to smile Seth. :)

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

I wish you were here so badly. I miss talking to you. Please be okay.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

There are all the little things that I want to say to you. But something is holding me back. I don't want to be shamed for loving you, yet somehow I do. It fucking sucks.

Anyways I hope that you are doing well and are okay. I miss talking to you so much.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

I'm sure that I have posted something like this before but I'm going to say it again.

So at one time I creeped on your last fm profile. I saw a song that, for what ever reason, intrigued me. The song being Shiloh by Magnolia Electric Co. And for the past few months I have tried to dissect it., you know hidden meanings and all that. But I've seen and heard the lyrics many times. I get it now. 

And just so you know whenever I am not feeling particularly well I always listen to this song. It fills me with such calmness. Thank you.

Okay well now I think I can sleep a little. I hope you had a good night and the sweetest of dreams.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

Again it has been a while since I have written to you here. No have not, nor will I able, to ever forget you. For that I am sorry.

It's almost 3 a.m. here and so much going on inside of me. But the one thing that has been tacking my brain is that I am so fucking jealous of the place where you are now. And it hurts that I am not there too. Not just because of you. I have been thinking of being in South Carolina for the longest time.  That is where my heart calls, as silly as it may seem.

Not much has changed since the last time I have written to you here. I went to my mammogram and it came out negative, thankfully. But the lump and pain is still there. And over the past few days I am throwing up more blood. To be honest I am scared as fuck. What goes through my head is what the hell do I have then?

But honestly thinking about you has kept me from being totally afraid. Some nights I stay up because it's easier than trying to sleep not knowing if I will open my eyes in the morning.  You are the in between. You make it easier to accept what is going on through all this confusion.

I hope that you are doing semi okay, though you said you were not totally yourself. Though I am not in the best place right now I would do anything to help you with whatever.

Well I'll let you go for now. And please don't ever forget to smile Seth.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

I had my unadulterated fun tonight. I laughed, I sort of danced, and I sang. I smiled....  and so much more. The only thing missing was you. Though I thought I saw you a few times. But that's normal for me.

When I came home my mother was waiting up, and crying.  I held her for the longest time. She's scared just as much as me. So I did what any good daughter would do and just tried to comfort her and tell her it was somehow going to be okay. The thing is is that I really don't know if it is. In 4 days I pray to God I'll know the truth.

Seth, I hope that you had a great day. That you smiled. All of that stuff.

Goodnight and sweet dreams.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

Goodmorning sunshine. :)

I had a pretty good night and am now waking up to blue skies. I hope it's going to be a good day. I could use one of them.

How are you doing Seth? The site is looking pretty awesome so far. I can't wait to see what else you have in store for it.

Well I better get to doing something. Lord knows there is enough laundry to do. Time to be Suzie Homemaker.

Smile mister.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

I'm sorry it's been a while since I have written here. It's been a very difficult month for me. Never a moment have I not thought about you. Like I ever could forget.

Well the days are ticking down until the big testing. I'm so scared. I wish you were there. 33 years old and never thought that I would have to have a mammogram at my age. My health is going down hill. I've lost another, roughly, 10 pounds. It's a nightly battle to keep food down, even with the pills they have given me. The only thing that helps really is thinking of you and listening to that song Shiloh. You and it are my peace. Thank you.

And thank you for making me smile and laugh. That's the best medicine a person could have right now.

I hope that you are doing well. Yeah we do talk from time to time but still...... I hope you don't mind that you are my sweet November.

I may write more to you tonight, I don't know. But I do promise to write more in the future.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

Thank you for today. It meant a lot to me giving me that compliment. I cried. Never thought that I would need something like that coming from you.

I wish you were in chat right now, even if you don't talk to me. Just having you there is enough.

Well I hope that you are having a great rest of the night.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

Here it's almost midnight and I'm thinking of you, obviously.

Well as you can see Kim now knows. I wonder what you think, as I wonder about a lot of things. It was a rough day full of frustration. Yeah I took some out on you but I'm sorry it wasn't directed at you. With all of my heart I love you.

One thing that I would like to know was that comment that you made and then deleted directed at me?

Anyways, again, I hope that you had a great day and that you smiled. That's the one thing that matters to me more than anything, that you're at least a little bit happy.

Goodnight and sweet dreams.

p.s. I love you

p.p.s Listen to Bush sing Be Still My Love. Yeah.

Pieces - Andrew Belle

Dear Seth,

Right now just weepy and bleh. I even miss the single solitary hi you gave me. Anyways I don't think that I've posted this song that reminds me of you, yet.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

Today I'm sad. Kim got the most amazing tattoo for me. It almost broke me. I think that she knows but..... idk. Later when I go in chat I would hope that you would be there too. It would give me some comfort. Please.

I hope that you're having a great day. And that you're smiling. You deserve so much and I don't know if I can give it to you but I'll damn well try my best.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

One more thing and then I'll let you go. I know I've probably wrote this down a few times but I'm sure you don't mind me saying it again. I am so grateful that you are in my life. Though we have never seen each other and have only spoken over chat you still seep into my soul where others have not. These are the times that I feel so blessed. Thank you Seth.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

There are so many things that I would like to say to you personally but sadly the only place that I can write freely to you is here. And hoping that you might actually read it.

Thankfully over the past week I have been feeling a lot better. I didn't step past the front door for a whole week. And I think that it did myself a little good too. Oh and eating a lot more as well. Lord knows that I'm a healthy girl who loves her food and not being able to eat because of throwing up or getting nauseous all the time just really fucking sucked.

But sadly I have a little bit of bad news. As I was toweling off from a nice steaming shower I found another lump under my arm. This is starting to wear and break me. I don't know how much more I can take. I'm trying to smile, believe me I am, but honestly I'm so terrified right now.

You are a big big part of me smiling and laughing now days. I can't thank you enough for that. That is what is getting me through this.

Oh and I can't believe that no one said hi to you in chat. I was the only one. But it made me so freaking happy that you said hello to me. It makes me feel a little less invisible, that you actually have me on your mind if only for one second.

In a few months I'll be heading down to Las Vegas for Kim's wedding to Rex. I know that she was thinking of inviting you. If so I would love to see you there. After all you are the one that created the site that helped them come together. Please come.

Well I hope that you are okay and doing well. I always worry about you. And you know if there is anything that I can do for you I'll do it without expecting anything in return. That is how I am. Truly.

Goodnight and sweet dreams.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

Goodnight and sweet dreams. And thank you for coming into chat. It meant a lot to me. Much more than you'll ever know. I didn't feel so alone, even though I didn't have the nerve to talk to you.

p.s. I love you

p.p.s. And because of that little gesture I do feel a little better. Thank you.

Dear Seth,

Tonight is like most, I need you badly. I don't feel good at all. Please contact Kim and ask for my number. I need to seriously hear from you.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

It again has been a few days since I have written to you here. I'm trying to act like I'm okay but I'm not. I'm really sick. I have had a full days meal in the past week. Every time I do I usually get violently ill so I end up not eating at all. Later today I am going to push until I have a doctors appointment in the same day. I can't live like this anymore. I'm about to give up and I don't want to. My quality of life is nothing. NOTHING. Yesterday I wore a pair of pants that, unbeknownst to me, were too big and kept falling off as I walked. It was embarrassing. It's like this with all of my clothing now. You are one of the only things keeping me here and wanting to fight. Please talk to Kim she'll tell you what's going on. Give me something more to go on because I honestly am losing this battle. I need you so badly. If only to hear your voice for one second.... Please Seth I beg you.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

I'm sorry that I haven't written to you in a while. It's just hard after being back in Idaho and wishing that I was in California. It sucks.

Well today, in two hours, I go in for a HIDA scan to see if any organs are failing. I wish you were there. But at least one wish has come true. You're talking to me again, and like a human being too. It feels really good to know that I'm not invisible. That you've thanked me two times in one day is beyond amazing. What have they done with the old you? It's strange but I love it. Please lets keep this going. I feel so alone and you just talking to me makes it that much bearable. I feel happier.

I hope that you're having a great day. Keep up the good work that you're doing. Sometimes I seem a little impatient and bug you all the time about certain issues. My bad. Don't forget to smile either Seth.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

You're in chat right now. I'm sorry I couldn't say hi. This just sucks like freaking hell. Anyways you know where the dog park is right across from the baseball fields near the bay where you can watch planes come and go? Well walk down the path to the bridge. There is something waiting for you, if you have the guts enough to go.

Right underneath the words I had so bravely tagged on the bridge so many months ago I am going to leave a handwritten letter. Wishful thinking that you will read it. But more than likely you won't. Odds like that have never been in my favor.

So whomever does get to read the words I have so hauntingly etched into my heart and brain will be lucky. They will know that someone out there loves another human being so much, risking even ounce of pride they have left for this minute act of courage and that love is not dead.

Maybe what I wrote for my someone special will give that person enough strength to tell the one they think of that they love them. Here is to hoping I do some good in the world. And maybe then good karma will come back to me in spades one day. 

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

I'm here in Downtown Burlingame at the Starbucks. I love it here. It's peaceful and at times full of little old men. Makes me think of what you'll look like when you're older. Damn cute I'd say.  Anyways I'm here. I hope that you're having a great day, even though it's a little windy outside.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

Going to head into downtown Burlingame now. Would love to see you there :) I hope that you're having a great day.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

Today was awesome. Walking the Haight and then ending up at Hippie Hill reading Fault of Our Stars. It gave me a little bit of peace. Almost able to reach the clouds. Being around Hippie Hill in Golden Gate Park.

 But there are things that I just need to get off my chest right now

I'm sorry but I'm not doing to well. I'm so fucking tired of relying on a pill to eat. I haven't been able to eat much otherwise. And damn it I'm fucking miserable. I feel that I'm slowly slipping away. And God damn it I don't know how much more I'm going to be able to take. Stop being so damn pig headed and just talk to me Hayward.

I have a feeling that this will be the last time I'll be able to make this trip. Three fucking days to meet the man I have damn well dreamed of and has haunted my dreams for almost two years. I am grasping at straws now. Please.  You know where I am, man up and get the fucking courage to get over your fears. I know that I had to just to send you that first letter.

p.s. I love you

p.s.s. to all that actually read this blog, tell the one that you love that you love them. Don't wait. For too long I waited and now I'm like this.

Dear Seth,

Well I'm off to the city and to Delores Park on this beautiful day. I think that after a while I'll go down to the Haight and just veg around. Will be thinking of you. Hope you're having a great day.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

Hey dude sorry I haven't written to you today. I've just been so worn out from walking yesterday. It was good though. My soul needed it. I hope you're doing well and that you're okay. I worry so much about you.

Just to let you know I'll be in Delores Park tomorrow vegging out. I would so love to see you. I don't have much time here and ugh I know it's going to be bad when I do leave. Really it's a silent plea. If you can't make it there my room number is 115 at Red Roof. Please.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

I ended up having one of the best days ever but my feet are so damn sore right now. And I have a feeling I'm about to crash. Whenever I wake up, and I pray to God it's past 6 freaking 30 in the morning, I think that I'll just hang at the Starbucks in Burlingame. I love the city and all but dude I walked for like ever. From Union Square to all over Chinatown to Nob Hill ( up Sacramento Street I might add ) to the Civic Center BART. And then from Parnassus ( UCSF because of Kim almost breaking her ankle) down Haight to again Civic Center BART. I loved every moment of the walk but sadly my feet are protesting loudly.

I hope that you had a great day. Me as I was walking I decided I wasn't red enough so I ended up sunburnt!!!.

Goodnight and sweet dreams Seth.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

I know it's too much to ask you so I'll just tell you my plans for the day. Going to go and eat something and then get on BART to Chinatown. Would love to see you even though I know it's too much for you.

I hope that you're having a great day. It's so nice out right now.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

Today was a most beautiful day on so many levels. First my best friend is officially engaged. And here is the second.

There was a spot underneath a bridge here in Burlingame near the hotels that I decided to tag I love you and your name among all the other interesting things written. It was by far the gutsiest thing that I have done to date. By the time I had finished and had put the cap back on I was shaking like a leaf.

After not being back there for a few months I expected it to be painted over. 

Walking and first seeing the bridge my heart sunk seeing that those other tags painted over. And then to my surprise, looking to the right, those few brave words I put up were still there. 

Whatever their reason for not painting over it I am glad. And it makes me so happy that even though I know there are other ways to express ones opinion this one they kept for whomever decides to read that message to you. 

I hope your day was just as awesome.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

It was a very good day today. I got to see my friend Kim. And now we're going out to a karaoke bar tonight. I'd love to see you there and have you hear me sing. Yeah I'm going to finally do it. It's a place called Encore near Van Ness at 1550 California St.

I hope you had a great day as well. It was a very nice day and the sun was shining. Oh man.

Well I'm off to take a shower and get ready. Here's to crossing my fingers that you'll show up, though highly unlikely.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

Well I'm off to the city. I'd love to see you at The Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf later on. Rex and I will be there setting up shop to plan the proposal to Kim.

Funny thing and I think it has a little to do with fate or whatever. The room , 115, that I was in in May while I was here and again got the other day, well I have the same room again. Somehow it's mean to be. Would be nice if you'd stop by here too ;) Just saying.

Anyways I'll write more to you later. I hope that you're having a great day. It's really beautiful outside.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

Today I saw where Rex will propose to Kim. I cried. It's that beautiful. A part of me waited around to see if you might show. You never did. I wasn't feeling to well anyways. I tried for the longest though.

I think it comes down to just wanting to know. Feel me? And everything is screaming inside of me and begging you to just try one time and see.

Anyways I hope that you had a great day and that all was well with you. Goodnight and sweet dreams.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

Well I'm about to go to Delores Park and check out the bridge for the up coming proposal. Would be nice to see you there, though I know you won't be. Eh a girl can dream.

I hope that you're having a great day and that everything is going well for you. It looks like a great day outside. Talk to you later.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

I know you won't but I wanted to let you know that I'd love to see you tonight. Maybe at least I'll see you in my dreams at least. Never met you but miss the hell out of you just the same. I have a little over a week more here. Please let something come of this. I'm begging.

I'll be in the city scoping out Delores Park and the bridge tomorrow for Rex and Kim. I want it to at least be perfect for them. And damn it it will be. I didn't travel over a thousand miles for it not to be.

Anyways I hope you had a great night. I'm a little tired and think that I should go to bed now. Goodnight and sweet dreams.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

I'm finally here in Burlingame. And funny thing is is that I'm in the same room too as when I was here in May. It's freaking fate I tell you. It was a long drive but very well worth it.

Maybe you'll get up enough nerve to see me in person. I've waited a very long time and have come a very very long ways, just for this moment.

Well I hope that you're having a great day as seeing it's nice as hell outside.

Time for me to take a shower and go to Leean's for some good food!.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

Now the nausea has set in. Day after tomorrow I'll be in San Francisco. I miss it there so much. There is a lot that I would love to do while I'm there, especially just taking a breather and sitting people watching at The Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf. Or China Town, maybe little Italy and most definitely Ocean Beach.

 I'm still up trying to pack. Yep miss procrastinator here :). So much to do in so little time. But that's how I operate. And I get things done so it's all good.

I hope that you had a great day and that all went well. Sometimes I still worry a lot about you but there isn't a lot that I can do if you don't let me in Seth. Trust me I'm a really good person to lean on.

Goodnight and sweet dreams to you love.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

Sadly no getting to stay over in Portland :/. Damn idiotic Greyhound and their stupid schedules. So straight to the bay area for me. In three days I'll be in heaven. Cannot wait. And cannot wait to see the reaction on Kim's face either.

I hope that you had a great day and that all went well and that you didn't forget to smile at least once. That brings me some comfort.

Goodnight and sweet dreams.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

I'm mere days from pure happiness. I'd love for you to be there in Portland but I know that's really wishful thinking to want to see you when I go to see Andrew Belle jam out. I think you'd like him a little bit. He's a lot like Elliot Smith in a way.

Anyways thank you for coming into chat today. It's made me so happy you don't even know.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

I realized that I want to argue with you rather than try to love anyone else.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

In 6 (27th) short days I'll be in Portland, Oregon to hear Andrew Belle. It's been a long time coming. I'm so very excited to see him again. One of my more favorite independent singers and songwriters.

Today was a pretty good day for me. Didn't have to use a pill to quell the nausea like a few days ago. Tomorrow is what I'm scared for. I get the results back on my tests and then I'll probably go in for a biopsy. I'm scared.

What is really keeping me together is that I'll be in the bay area a few Fridays from now. That is my goal.

I hope that your day has been just as great too. I heard from other people in SF that there was a spectacular thunderstorm on Sunday night. Right now I'm so jealous of you. So not fair. Can't wait to be there.

Anyways goodnight and sweet dreams.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

In 10 days I'll be where I am supposed to be. Sick or not I am going. I need to. Anyways I hope that you had a great day and have a better one when you wake up. Goodnight and sweet dreams.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

I know I probably have said that I don't want to speak to you again, but tonight I do. Please say something. I'm scared and alone.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

I know that I want and need you more than anything in my life. But things aren't ever going to work out like they are when we are both like this. It fucking sucks.  No matter what I love you with all of my heart.

Goodnight and sweet dreams.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

JennaMarie said something in chat that fucking hit home hardcore. I don't know if you'll ever realize it either. But this is what I feel, truly.

I fell in love with the essence of a person; not their gender or looks, style or hair. I fell in love with what they like to do on a saturday night, or how they like their coffee with two creams, a milk and a package of sugar. I fell in love simply with the person themselves; rather then the things that don't seem to matter, as for example: looks. Because they don't, really. Looks change daily as we don't even notice it ourselves, but one day we could look completely different from the next. You fall in love with the things that are always with you, and that, my love, is your personality that I had fallen in love with.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

I'm sorry I don't have enough guts to open your letter. I know that you deserve that respect, God knows you have read enough of mine. But my emotions can't handle it right now. I know it's not going to be what I want to hear. I want to be in a place that I'm strong enough to hear it and I'm not in that place right now. I thought that tonight I would be able to.

See what brought this up is my phone was being a little bitch in being slow and stuff. I go to the store and get it fixed. I  then see that I have a ton of messages, and one more recently from you yesterday. I read the first line and smiled, I mean without opening the email. So the smart person that I am, not, decided hey if I get a little drunk whatever you said to me won't matter. Well that turned out to be the biggest fattest lie. I am drunk, and I mean drunk and still scared as shit. I can't. So I'll leave you alone.

Look I am going through a fucking lot right now. I'm scared. I have no one to turn to except for this blog and maybe an errant letter on letters to crushes to let my feelings out. It's my escape. Please just let me have this. I love you but I'll bury my feelings because I'm sure that's not what you want. I'm so sorry for everything. My heart is just messed up. But know that you were never an option or a choice to fall for. Fuck now I'm crying. How typical.

Anyways I wanted to let you know that I'll be in the bay area ( around the 2nd of September), in your town matter of fact ( because I like the hotel and the people there ), for reasons unrelated to you I promise. I'll think of you but won't try to contact you, even though I want to. So if you see me, crawling out of whatever hole you're in, when I walk down the street of your quaint town, just don't dude. It will hurt worse than when I talked relative of yours ( your father ), and realized at the last moment when I was at SFO BART who he was.  He was very nice and sweet by the way. God I saw who you'd look like in 30 years. It blew me away. One day ask him about the lady he talked to with the blue Piggly Wiggly shirt.

Well I'll let you go for now.

p.s. I love you

Fix You

Dear Seth,

You have given me so much, though I seem to take advantage of it. The love of helping people is number 1 followed closely by traveling the United States and just seeing the sheer beauty of everything and everyone. And I am about to embark on an amazing trip again. This will probably be my last one. But as for now I am super excited. Maybe just maybe this time you'll see........

So anyways I have another amazing song to share. I love it so much.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

When ever I lay my head down tonight, and I hope that's soon :), I am going to be at peace. I'm going to finally follow my heart. And I couldn't be happier.

I hope that you had a great day and that all is well. I love the new feature that you put up for ltc. Amazing.

Anyways talk to you later.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

This is truly how I feel. I just wish that you'd see it.

When you fall in love, it is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake, and then it subsides. And when it subsides, you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots are to becomes so entwined that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the desire to mate every second of the day. It is not lying awake at night imagining that he is kissing every part of your body. No... don't blush. I am telling you some truths. For that is just being in love; which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over, when being in love has burned away. Doesn't sound very exciting, does it? But it is! -Captain Corelli's Mandolin

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

Tonight before I close my eyes and then wake up to my destiny tomorrow I am listening to one of the most haunting songs ever sung. It's relieving some of the fear of what's to come. Wish you were here but I know I know.

And this song Bon Iver sings it so beautifully.

Goodnight and sweet dreams.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

Who would have thought that one of the most, um, weirdest songs (to me at least) would almost be the most comforting. Whenever I find myself feeling really sick I just listen to Shiloh, and it makes me feel just a little bit better. Thank you. FYI at that moment it is on repeat. :)

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

I know what they are testing me for now. I thought that it would be breast cancer. It's sadly not. The doctor began asking me all of these questions that I thought were honestly about pre menopause. I won't go into detail here though :).

So I did a little investigating and right now I'm a little scared. I haven't even told Kim about it. She just knows that they are testing for breast cancer. I don't have the strength to tell her. She's my best friend and I just can't. It would devastate her to pieces.

Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma. I'm nauseous just looking at those words. But I am not going to let this be a sentence I am going to live like I never had before. There is just too much in the world that I have yet to accomplish.

Please Seth if you have any heart just let me know that I'm not alone. Any word or words or comfort would be greatly appreciated. I hate feeling like this.

I hope that you had a great day. And that you smiled at least once. Now you're probably asleep and dreaming. How I would love to be a part of those dreams. Goodnight.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

I don't think that I tell you this enough but I will now, thank you so much. You're odd but I like you just the same. That's all.

p.s. I love you

An exert from the book Unravel Me

Dear Seth.

I hope that your day was good. That you felt the warmth of the sun on your face. That you smiled.

Well I found this beautiful passage from a book that describes exactly what I would love to say to you some day.

I want to be the friend you fall hopelessly in love with. The one you take into your arms and into your bed and into the private world you keep trapped in your head. I want to be that kind of friend. The one who will memorize the things you say as well as the shape of your lips when you say them. I want to know every curve, every freckle, every shiver of your body. 

I want to know where to touch you, I want to know how to touch you. I want to know how to convince you to design a smile just for me. Yes, I do want to be your friend. I want to be your best friend in the entire world. 

Goodnight and sweet dreams.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

Last night I went out and tried to have fun. But things were just to heavily on my mind. I shouldn't have taken a measly hour nap I'm now wide awake at 6 am. And I'm now sick as a dog as well. This is bullshit. When is the relief ever going to come? It's been 4 1/2 months since this started. I'm just so tired of it.

I see that you were up too. Are you doing okay? What's going on with you? Sometimes I worry, but know that there isn't much that I can do other than help with your site. I wish there was more that I could do for you, I do.

Now you're probably sleeping. I hope that they are happy dreams for you, that you smile.

Well I'll let you go for now.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

I'm going out tonight with Kim to try and have a little fun. Needed so badly with the things going on in my life. Wish you'd be at China Blue, though I know you won't be. Sadly I'll still be looking at every face and seeing you in them.

Now for a short nap before the fun begins :)

I hope that you're having a great day.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

Right now I'm not feeling much at all. Numb you could say. Well I am tired so there is that. I felt pretty good today, which is surprising. This is not something that I wanted at all.  Too much to do in life. And so much to see. I have things that I need to accomplish.

All I want to do when I close my eyes in a while is dream of you. You honestly seem to make things better. God I must be coming off like some freak. Maybe I am, maybe not.  I don't care. But you keep me alive in a sense.

I hope that you had a great day; that you smiled. Yeah I don't know what you look like. I could honestly care less. Anyways you being happy and stuff makes me happy too.

Good night and sweet dreams Seth.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

Well today I went to the doctors. And tonight lose the pride (hey I have it too). I fucking need you. Please. Just say anything. I have my friends but what I need is you. Any word of encouragement. I am not going to let this define me at all. Trust me I am stronger than that. But tonight I sort of pity myself and the only thing that would make it a fraction of a bit better is hearing from you. I'm sorry. For everything Seth. When I wrote that letter I was full of hurt. I still mean those things I said to you but maybe I should have just bit my tongue.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

I'm feeling a little better now. I have a doctors appointment later today and I'll try my best to stick it through until then. Just really tired of feeling like shit all the time you know?

Today I am so proud of myself. This is why I'm still on the website and why I love you so damn much dude. I stayed up chatting with a person for over an hour. They wanted to commit suicide. And tonight they are going to sleep instead of harming their body into non existence. Now I'm really emotional.

This is what I am born and bred to do with my life and you gave me that opportunity. By doing that you have helped save countless lives Seth. I didn't do what I did tonight because of you, to show off but I did it because I care. But because of that selfless act I have fallen more in love with you. I just hope you realize it. I'll always be here.

Well I hope you're off to dream land and have a great day tomorrow. Don't forget to smile at least once. :)

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

I know that you might not care about what I tell you, it just helps relieve the loneliness. Today I think that for sure I'm going to have to go into the hospital. I could barely make it to the cafe.  My legs are so damned weak I could barely walk. And when I got here I almost passed out, still a little shaky. Something is seriously wrong. I'm scared. To have a few words of encouragement from you would mean the world to me Seth.

Anyways I hope that you're having a good day and that all is well with you.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

Thought this all I am trying my best to have hope and keeping up the faith. And you have been a big part of it. Thank you.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

At this moment I am debating whether to go to the hospital. I'm not feeling good at all. I just feel so drained and weak. But before, if I do, I wanted to send this in hopes that you read this.

There is so much that I want to say to you tonight.

I want to thank you for getting me to smile and laugh. I want to thank you for making me so angry and hurt that I truly told you how I felt. To be honest I have never expressed how I've felt until you came into my life. 

People like yourself are so rare that maybe another gets a chance to know an amazing person like you once in a life time or even the next. I feel like the luckiest girl in the world because I have that now, in this moment.

Because of you I know who I am and want to become. I feel like I finally have some self worth and love myself, almost from the moment we met. Thank you so much.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

Alice said something in chat that hit freaking close to home, badly. She said that when I fly falls in love their brain is rewired. And that when their mate dies their mind goes blank. That was me for the longest time. But you are filling those blank spaces. And shit if it ain't confusing as fuck.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

Well it's now 4:30 in the morning and I can't sleep. Just finished watching Made In Heaven. One of the best concept movies, in my opinion, ever made. From beginning to end. And now I'm half awake and listening to U2's All I Want Is You.

I'm back to not feeling so well, yet again. I just want to feel myself again. I've been begging for it for so long  that it's becoming somewhat of a routine for me. Well for sure I'm going to try and sleep. Maybe tonight I'll dream of you. It seems when that happens  I feel better and have a great day too. I know that I smile more.

Now to close my eyes. Goodnight again.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

It's 3 am here and I am finally tired enough to sleep well. Thankfully I'm feeling a lot better now. That was pretty bad today. Just don't know how I'm going to be able to go outside later to the doctors. I'm praying that they find something. I just can't deal being like this any more. It's too much. I'm tired of being nauseous almost 24/7. Of being dizzy and feeling like I'm going to pass out. Eating is hit and miss. There are days that I can go with barely a single bite of food. All of it is just total bull crap.

Enough of me though. I hope that you had a great day and that things went well. And that you smiled at least once :) . Goodnight and sweet dreams.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

Well I didn't go to the hospital but still feeling pretty sick. This isn't fair. There are just so many frustrations. I'm beyond wiped out. And so scared. I just....... I just can't say it right now. Sorry.

 I saw the short letter you posted and am listening to the song now. The lyrics are freaking haunting. I feel you. I really do.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

Right now I'm not feeling so hot at all. God I'm scared. I think that I just better go to the hospital. I can't take this anymore. A part of me wishes you were here.

Anyways I hope that you're having a great day.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

You were in chat today for the first time since I blew up at you. You didn't say anything but I'm glad you were there. Right now I'm so scared and anything is better than nothing I guess.

Well good night and sweet dreams to you. Hope your day was great ;).

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

You're in chat right now. It's fucking killing me too. My stomach is burning with bleh. When I first saw your name I was shaking so bad. Thats all.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

I know when I'm right about two people being together. And it looks like it's going to happen again. When are you going to realize that I'm right with us too? It's frustrating the fuck out of me Hayward. I can only hope that one day it will happen. I think that's why I don't ever give up hope.

A year in a half and it's driving me nuts dude. But for you I'd wait a lifetime. All I can do is be patient.

Anyways I hope that you're doing great. That the sun is shining for you and that you're happy.

Tonight I was dangerously close to reading your letter. I'm sorry I couldn't. Please forgive me. I hope that you're having sweet dreams.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

Maybe I don't know you all that well. But I miss the fuck out of you just the same. Please come back to chat.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

This morning I was woke up by my own voice saying that I love you so much. So now I'm sleep talking about you too.

That's my thoughts for right now.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

I'm sorry I can't read your letter that you sent me at like 6:30 in the morning your time a few days ago. I know that I'd cry and be hurt beyond belief. I know that someday I'll have to face my worst demons and do that. I mean you did read my letter to yo. But please come into the chat room. They miss you, and God help me so do I. They ask me all the time about you and I have no words. All I can say is that you're busy.

Okay now I am tired beyond belief, and typing with one eye closed. It's after four am here and am no longer able to function like a normal human being.

I pray that today will be better for you than yesterday.

p.s I love you

Dear Seth,

I think that in some way I messed up with you. God I never meant for this to happen like this. I fell in love and that can never be taken back. Don't regret it one bit either. But tonight if you've read my letter you know where my heart rests. I'll always be grateful to him because he lead me to you. I love him and you too.

In three days time I have my doctors appointment. No one will be there but me. I'm scared beyond belief. There is just too much that in life that I need to do before I go. This can't be it. I fucking refuse it. I'm not trying to be fatalistic, it's the truth, or better yet this is my reality.

At times I wish I was more normal, like main stream America. But then I wouldn't be me. These letters that I write to you are who I am Seth.

Anyways I hope that you had a good day. I can see that there were issues with the server earlier today, but glad that it's figured out at least for the time being. :) In the mean time I learned a lot about HTTP status codes. Some funny as fuck (418 is my favorite) and others I pray to God never happen.

Ok I need to get some kind of sleep. Good night and sweet dreams. Glad that I could make you smile with that challenge about what letters to crushes means to people. Made my day.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

Tonight I think I need you a lot.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

Today I made you smile. And now I'm crying. Deep down I know you're there somewhere and not lost. Goal accomplished.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

I found another song that just speaks to me.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

Well now Ed Sheeran sort of knows about you now. And you know what IDGAF. That is all.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

Tonight I just miss talking to you. That's all. I hope you had a great day.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

It's near 3 am here. I had a rough few hours. Really sick and scared. I'm doing a little better but I just don't know. I'm so fucking frustrated with everything that's going on. Not a good moment for me right now. Sorry.

I bet you're having the time of your life. I've heard that it's pretty cool there. Anyways I hope that you have a good night and sweet dreams.

p.s. I love you so much

Dear Seth,

Well I have an appointment to get checked out. God I'm so nervous. Seriously. I don't know why I'm saying this here but I am. Maybe you'll read it and realize that I'm not some kind of freak. For the past couple of days I have been doing pretty well, thankfully. But I'm scared about the negative what if's. My mom had the same issue. Cancer runs in our family. And there are so many things that I have yet to accomplish. I mean my bucket list is complete but................ the one selfish thing that I want for myself honestly and stupidly is just to hear your voice. God the pipe dreams.

Anyways I've embarrassed myself enough. I hope that you had a great day.

p.s. I love you.

Dear Seth,

Have you ever just looked up at the stars on a clear night and just stared and stared for no other reason than the beauty of it all? Well that was me last night. It was awesome. And here how it went.

Tonight I peered up at the heavens as usual. God it was beautifully breathtaking. The stars so bright looking like polished diamonds.

While standing in the middle of the darkened street. I saw something that I hadn't seen I'm the longest time, a star streaking across the night sky. Instead of making the usual wish while partaking in this rare event I wished for something greater; I prayed that somehow things said could be made right again. And that's when the tears welled up in my eyes and spilled down my cheeks. 

I believe, (I have to) to be able to make it through this, that things will be okay. Forget pride. I'll admit I'm wrong (even though I was justified and partially right) just to have you back in my life. I miss you so much. I'm sorry. And if hell is worse than this God help me.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

I hate that it's almost come down to this. It makes me sad.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

Last night, or rather this morning, my lovely subconscious dreamed of you. Now I want to go back to sleep just to see you again. Sometimes I just wish there was a machine to erase people from their minds, you would be one of them. I know you probably don't want anything to do with me yet I keep on loving you. This just fucking blows.

Anyways I hope you're having fun.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

Tonight self doubt sets in. Fuck I think I made a mistake. Shiiiiiiiiiiiittttttt. And it's going to be a freaking long night hating myself. Crap.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

I wish that you would come back on chat. Anyways.........

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

This hasn't been the funnest falling in love with a faceless being. But yet here I am. Always will be too.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

I'll never read that last letter you wrote to me. I know that I'll cry and I just don't want to. If you want to speak to me Kim has my number. Ask her for it. That's the only way I'll ever talk to you again. Sorry.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

I'm trying to stay up as late as possible (3:30 am and counting), to fall into a dreamless slumber. I don't want to dream of you tonight. It hurts worse that way. To be so close to something in my dreams to touch, smell and hear is pure fucking torture. Yet these thoughts couldn't be farther from the truth in reality. It's just not fair. It's shit.

All I wanted was a chance that I don't think that I'll ever get. There is just so much going on with my health, which has been thankfully at bay for the past two days, that I now have to take care of my body and hope for the best. God I never wanted to be a freaking cat lady or like the lady that Barry Manilow sing of in Copacabana.

Yeah it's a sucky night for me.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

Above all else no matter what I hope you're happy and are doing well.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

I don't regret telling you that I love you, EVER!. But maybe I should have worded my letter to you differently. Because now chat doesn't feel the same without you. For that I will say I am sorry for. Shit I think that I might have just screwed up. But you not talking to me and saying hello to everyone else hurt. Oh for fucking get it. I hate repeating myself like this like a fucking broke down parrot. I know that I'll probably cry tonight but like you care.


At least I can say that I'm doing okay today. Yesterday was a little bleh but hell I've had 4 months to sort of get used to it. Anyways I hope that you're having a great day.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

Yeah this is how it is.

Every day is one more inch of a slow play, sinking in.
Vision fading, suffocating inside my own skin.

And I’m fighting the stranger in my eyes
And I know that only one of us will survive
If I can’t save us I got to save myself.

I can’t stay here in this place,
Slowly freaking out, I’m slowly freaking out.
I can’t be
You’re addictive.
I’m slowly freaking out, I’m slowly freaking out
And out and out again.

Enigmatic, so close, static
This feeling I can’t shake.
But just remember that I want you
My will can never break.

And I’m fighting the stranger in my eyes
And I know that only one of us will survive
If I can’t save us I got to save myself.

I can’t stay here in this place,
Slowly freaking out, I’m slowly freaking out.
I can’t be
You’re addictive.
I’m slowly freaking out, I’m slowly freaking out
And out and out again.

I can’t stay here in this place,
Slowly freaking out, I’m slowly freaking out.
I can’t be
You’re addictive.
I’m slowly freaking out, I’m slowly freaking out
And out and out again.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

Feeling like total crap right now. Trying to keep what little I have eaten today down. So far I'm winning. God I just hope it doesn't get worse tonight. I hate seriously being like this. I don't know how much more I can take before I crack. But I'm trying to smile through it all.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

Right now in chat there is a girl that has suicidal thoughts. That she's unable to cope with the pain. I got her to come into chat and talk about it. I pray that nothing happens. This is what makes me so proud of what I do on letters to crushes. I hate seeing people so sad. And I'm glad that I can help any way possible.

And damn it it made me fall for your butt that much more. :/

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

I think the only thing that I'm going to do today is go to Cafe Capri and think of ways to hate you. I know that I"ll fail but worth a shot.

Hope that you're having a great day.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

For what it's worth good night and sweet dreams.

p.s. I love you

p.p.s Watch the movie and you'll see why I say this.

Dear Seth,

I know that I just posted but I have to also get this off of my chest. You little fucker I'm a little drunk right now because of what I had to say to you. I know that there is an email waiting for me and I don't want to read it. It will just hurt  me even more.  That is all.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

Tonight I just wish that I could make things right. I'm sorry I didn't mean or plan to fall in love with you. It just fucking happened. It sucks because I feel so lost.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

I know you probably don't care but I'm so excited for today. I'll be crossing off the last thing on my bucket list. Then I just might make one more. But today is almost a dream come true for me. This is what I'll be going to: http://www.boisemusicfestival.com/

Always wanted to see Candlebox and Vanilla Ice. Hehe yeah I'm a dork but I don't care. Anyways I hope that you're having a great day none the less.

p.s. I still love you

Dear Seth,

I know that I'm just going to keep hurting myself but I don't give a fuck. I still love you...... God for all I know is that you hate me after what I said but I needed to. Today I think that I've had around 3 or 4 hours sleep. Laggin so bad right now. And I'm feeling okay ish but...... I just pray that I don't cry tonight.

Anyways I hope that you had a great day.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

If you read this know that I'll never read that email. You hurt me too much. And today it feels like a relief off of my shoulders that I told you what you needed to hear.

Dear Seth,

So it's come to this. If you ever read these letters know that I really did love you so much. I kept it up for almost a year. Even when you hurt me the most. Today was just too much. I just can't do this anymore. I'm sorry.

Now to try and live my life the best way I can. But know this Seth: I will always love you. It was never about what you do. NEVER.

And for the last time.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

Well I'm a little better this morning. But scared as hell to eat. The doctors can't find out what's wrong with me. I'm just so tired. You're the best part of getting through this. I'll never be able to thank you enough Seth.

Well I hope that you're having a great day. God how I wish I was there right now.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

Feeling better was short lived. I'm back at being sucky. I hate this so much. Something is seriously going on. I'm tired of it all; the lump in my breast, throwing up blood, feeling dizzy, tired yet an insomniac, barely eating and when I do I get nauseous. As I write this I'm debating going to the hospital.

But I'll say this again today you made me so happy. I'll never forget it. Thank you.

p.s. I love you

Andrew Belle - Pieces

Dear Seth,

There always seems to be a song that reminds me of you. And this one is no different. This song is just so awesome.

And feeling a little better fyi :).

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

Not feeling too good right now. Bleh. I wish I felt better. :/

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

Just wanted to say that I'm still so happy that you talked to me today. And looking through your Github thingy I have a new and profound love for letters to crushes. And to be a part of such an awesome thing is just mind blowing. Thank you.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

Today I must have done something right. You had a full on conversation with me. You said hello to me. Thank you so much God for that. Seth you'll never know how much that means to me. Seriously. I cried. Please keep it up. Now you just need to fix chat. :)

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

I just don't know what do say to you any more. I want to make it right. But I don't know what I did wrong. Right now I'm crying, hurt and scared. Please damn it just talk to me.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

Read this. You just might benefit from it.

"The person who tries to live alone will not succeed as a human being. His heart withers if it does not answer another heart. His mind shrinks away if he hears only the echoes of his own thoughts and finds no other inspiration." 
~ Pearl S. Buck

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

I'm really hurt right now. What in the hell have I done to you seriously? You say hi to everyone else but me. I even try an include you into conversations yet you say nothing. Right now I'm going through a lot of shit and for you to do this really hurts. I'm crying that's how bad it's gotten.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

Last night I was really sick, throwing up and all. Not a good night. And then this morning I woke up and I now have a fever. This just fucking sucks. But I'm dealing.

You're in chat right now. And as soon as I came in you shut up. It hurts. I'm right here Seth. Please don't ignore me. This isn't the time. When you do this it hurts. But no matter I'll still be here waiting for you.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

Tonight isn't much better. Idk but it looks like it might be a long night. I mean with the person that was spamming earlier. And at the moment I'm not feeling so good. bleh I dont want to have to take an anti nausea pill. I hate those things. God I just wish things were different. That you were okay, and that I was healthier. Maybe some how some way it will be.

Anyways I hope that you had a good day. And smiled tons.

p.s I love you

Dear Seth,

You're in chat but not. I wish you would just talk to me please. You're the only thing that is making me not totally lose it. I'm a little freaked and no one to talk to. Just send me a smiley face or something.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

You're in chat right now. I feel loads better because of it. Thank you. Just speak to me please.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

Right now I need you so damn bad. I'm scared and crying. Please come into chat.

I've noticed for about a week that underneath my left armpit that it was really sore. I thought that it was because of my bra or backpack rubbing. And today it's gotten worse. I felt my pit and there was a big lump. I went to go look in the mirror to see if it was a zit or something and it...... it's not red or feels like that either. Now I have to go to the doctors and I'm fucking scared as shit.

So I'm going to put your name full name down here, if you haven't read this blog yet, so you know everything if you google yourself. Please forgive me for doing this. I just wanted people to know how special you are to me. You'll have a lot to read. And I'll continue to do this for as long as possible. I hope that you understand.

p.s. Seth Hayward I love you

Can't Stop - One Republic

Dear Seth,

Oh God this is how I feel. The lyrics are dead on.

I guess this is what it's supposed to feel like
No we don't talk, no we don't talk, we don't talk anymore.
I guess this is what it's supposed to sound like
The universe, the universe, universe is torn.

I know I could live without you
I can live without you everyday day, heeeay hey
I know I could live without you
And put life off for another day
hey-hey yeah hey-hey yeeeah 

[Chorus:]
But I can't stop
Thinking about.. thinking about us
Anymore oooh oh
I said I can't stop 
Thinking about.. thinking about us
Anymore ooh oh
I said I can't stop.. no
Thinking about.. thinking about this
Anymore ooh oh
And all I've got.. uuuh
Is nothing I want
Anymore ooh oh

No I never get used to silence
But I don't hear, no I don't hear
I don't hear you anymore.
I know I had to look hard to find it
Everything, everything,
Everything is gone.

I know I could without you
And put life off for another day
hey-hey yeah hey-hey yeeeah 

[Repeat Chorus]

I can see stars, I can see lights, and I swear that they're shining here,
I can see stars, yeah I can see lights... shining here.

[Repeat Chorus]

uuuh uuuh uuuh uuuh

p.s I love you

Dear Seth,

I did something very very dangerous today. As maid of honor I was helping Kim with her wedding dress and stuff. We then went to the mall and I wanted to see what her wedding ring looked like. I then saw something that I'd love to wear one day. And I tried it on. God it was beautiful. It makes me want to seriously be married again and have relationship, someday; to grow old with someone until my last breath. I thought of you in that position Seth. I know I know but I'm still hoping and dreaming of that someday it will happen. That's all.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

Good morning sweetheart. I hope that you had a great night. I had a very interesting one myself. After coming out of the club I saw a car that was on fire in the middle of the street. Man I always seem to find all the excitement anywhere I go.

I waited up and went on chat to see if you would show up. Sadly you didn't but I had fun just the same. Ended up not getting a whole lot of sleep but I guess that's what naps are for. 4-5 hours never seems to be enough. But somehow I manage.

Well I hope you have a great day and would love to see you in chat later. Take care.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

How I would love for you to show up at China Blue tonight, even though I know you won't. I've missed you today in chat. Please come back. Please. Even though you're not talking to me, for what reasons I don't know why, I miss just seeing your name there.

Well almost time for me to go and get ready. I'l be in chat for a little while longer.

I hope that you had a great day and that everything went well for you.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

My eyelids are burning trying to stay up as long as possible to see if you'll talk to me. Please do. I miss just talking to you. You do to everyone else but me and it hurts.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

That was plain fucking rude what you said to me: just try and refresh if you're having problems with chat. Well what the fuck do you think that I was trying to do? Dude I know I'm not as smart as you but I do know a few things in life. Just please stop making me feel like I'm an idiot because I'm not. k thanks bai. omfg grow up dude.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

You were in chat a little while ago. I went in but couldn't stay. I'm sorry I was just so chicken shit. Ugh. I'll try a little harder in a while. Promise. Please still be there.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

Well I'm back here in Boise. I don't know if I like it yet. To be anywhere but here would be a blessing. I miss Charleston and Biloxi already. Someday I'll go back for good.

Anyways I'm glad that you come into chat now. It makes me happy. Seriously. Now just to get you to talk to me more. :)

Well I need to get to taking a shower and getting the grim off of me from a 2 1/2 day trip. Will write more later.

p.s. I love you

Chasing Cars - Ed Sheeran ft.

Dear Seth,

Like a lot of things this song makes me think of you soo much. Fuck.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

Thank you for seriously making my day. I'll always remember it. And hopefully many more to come. I'll try my best to be in chat later but I just don't know. Will hope you'll be there too.

I hope that you had a great day and that everything generally went well for you. Take care. And don't forget to smile.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

You came back in chat on your computer. Why? I mean you're on your phone . Don't get it but I love it. But also have to watch what I say around the ladies hehe. Thank you for coming back.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

You sound so damn cute when you're frustrated. That's all.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

You're in chat now and talking with me at this very moment. Holy shit. Day made.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

How I wish you were in chat right now. No one is there. I'm alone. Bleh. Anyways today I head back home to good old Boise, Idaho. I'll be dreaming of you for the next two in a half days. I don't know if I'll be able to get online for the most part. It sucks. Anyways no dreams of you last night but woke up to, whom I think was you, singing Janis Joplin's Mercedes Benz in chat earlier. Had a good laugh. Thank you for making me smile. What ever happens on this long bus ride remember that I love you soo much.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

Tonight I wanted to fall asleep in your arms, to hear your heart beat while I closed my eyes. Finally feeling safe with no demons to cause nightmares and dream with you not dream of you. Here's to hoping that maybe someday it will become a reality. 

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

You're in chat as I type this. And all I can do is stare and touch your name on my computer screen. And scream all the things that  I want to say to you. It's so comforting to know that you're here. I feel a lot better somehow. Thank you for that.

p.s. I love you

Who I Am - Paper Tongues

Dear Seth,

Listen. 

 p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

You came in chat the same time as myself today. I think it's a little more than a coincidence. Why? That's all I want to know. Come on and just freaking admit it. And trust me people are starting to notice that you come in when I do. Just like Sethie and Nora. And even after all this time people still ship us. Just saying. Pride fucking be damned. Man up Seth. Rant done, for now ;)

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

Play this song and listen to it while reading this letter.

Anyways today and for the past couple of days you've made me so happy. It's like time stood still. You never come in chat anymore and now all of a sudden you do? Seriously what's up with that? Thank you for making my heart ache a little less. It's filling with something so utterly powerful and amazing. It's like I'm getting to know you all over again or better yet a new side. And I'm falling in love with in new ways that I never knew existed.

I don't know if I'm going to be physically able to make it back to Idaho and I just want to get this off my chest. Thank you for giving me every opportunity to do things that I thought not possible or even in my realm. Hopefully I have made a difference in someones life. I know that the people of ltc have in mine.

Every time I see you in chat there are so many things that I would like to just get off my chest and say to you. I just end up silent and waiting for the opportunity to say anything at all, even if it makes me look stupid to you. Really I'm not.

So I'll let you go for right now. Please always come in chat. People miss talking to you. And they sort of freak when they know you're there. That's all.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

You're in chat right now with me. It feels good to have you back in my life and talking to me. I've missed that so much. And thank you for actually talking to me, even though I totally embarrassed myself. LOL. And I saved that conversation for a later look see. And thank you for making my day again.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

I wish I had said something to you today. I don't know why you're coming on chat so much but it means a lot to me. Thank you.

These are the two songs that are making me miss you soo badly. Take a listen.

 p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

We're pretty much alone in chat right now. I wish that you'd just speak to me. I won't. I refuse to make the first move again. God my heart is in my chest right now and thoughts of what I want to tell you. You're right there and I just can't. This sucks.

p.s. I love you

Dear Seth,

I don't know how much more I can take. I woke up this morning in terrible pain all over, I still have it. Probably should go to the hospital but I don't know what they are going to be able to do for me. Are they just going to poke me some more and examine my body parts just to tell me that I'm fine? Look I'm not, something is seriously wrong and I just don't know anymore. I traveled all the way to Baltimore to see if someone could help. Instead all I did was wait for over 8 hours. Blah enough whining.

For the two hours I did sleep it was beautiful. Seeing your face turn towards me, away from the computer in a dimly lit room, was heaven. And visualizing you in a black leather jacket took my breath away. God I was so close I could see your sandy blond hair, even put my fingers through it if I so desired, but I didn't. I didn't want you to be tainted by me, I wanted you to stay the perfect person you are. It looked like you just had a hair cut. Looked great on you. The smell I felt came from you still lingers in my nostrils if I take a deep enough breath in.

If nothing more thank you for letting me dream of you. It gets me through the roughest days. And I don't think that today is going to be so peachey.

Right now I'm listening to Ray Lamontagne. He's amazing. Take a listen to him, you'll be surprised. He's a lot like Elliot Smith. And yeah I sneaked on your last fm profile. You know that was bound to happen. Here is my favorite song from him. Let It Be Me.

p.s. I love you